In a radical departure from both previ- ous announcements and common sense, UCL Council has declared that football manager Mick McCarthy is to become the new Provost of UCL. In an audacious move, the university will be renamed ‘Mick McCarthy’s UCL.’
At a press conference McCarthy said of his appointment, “I’m very proud to be- come the new Provost of Mick McCarthy’s UCL”. The press conference was cut short at this point however, as McCarthy discov- ered his water was fizzy and demanded eve- ryone leave the room to let him calm down.
UCL Council Chair Sir Stephen Wall later played down this incident, in- stead choosing to focus on McCarthy’s ambitions for the university. “Mick re- ally wants to shake things up around here. He’s a big believer in what he calls ‘direct education’; which means firing answers directly into students minds through constant verbal bombardment, rather than faffing about with inefficient ques- tioning systems like examinations”.
Describing his own man management skills as “bloody marvellous”, McCarthy defended himself against accusations of inexperience for the role of Provost by highlighting his career in football. “I’ll tell you what I told Roy Keane at the 2002 World Cup when he dared ques- tion my experience. I said, ‘Roy, you can go hard or you can go home’. He went home. Problem solved”.
“Now granted, I may not know much about Bloomsbury, or London, or much of England come to think of it, but I know how to get results”. At this point the interview was cut short by McCa- rthy’s discovery that his toasted panini contained tuna. We were instructed to vacate the room to let him calm down.
Vice Provost Robbie Savage later dis- missed the incident, explaining, “Mick hates tuna”.