She was sat alone in the corner of the café as I entered. Something wasn't right. 1 could sense it in the way she was texting — far more suspiciously than usual. She was probably BBMing her secret lover or something, mocking me behind my back. But I had to stay cool and suppress my fears — like Batman in the film Batman Begins, when all those bats fly out of that cave and he just stands there like, “Yeah, bring it bats’ and they fly right past him.
I walked over to her.
“Oh. Hello Karen. Fancy seeing you here”
“I invited you here;” she replied. “We need to talk Brian.”
“What about?”
“About us. You're too paranoid Brian. And you keep referencing your own life against fictional film characters for some reason...”
This wasn’t good. The direction of the conversation was rapidly slipping out of my control - I desperately needed to in- terject a witty put down to re-assert my authority over the situation.
“...perhaps I could've told you earlier in our relationship. No, I should've told you but-"
“Could’a shoulda would’a are the last words of a fool, Karen” I said, slamming my fist down on the table. I could tell from her shocked expression that my re- tort had had the desired effect. She was on the back foot. Now was the time to ram home my advantage — like Liam Nee- son in the film Zaken, when he slammed that Algerian guy’s head in a car door de- spite the fact he was already unconscious.
“I grow weary of this conversation,” | said, getting to my feet. “We'll continue it another time” Noticing that I'd not drunk any of the coffee she'd bought for me, I tossed a 20p piece onto the table.
“Keep the change.” And with this great act of generosity, [ took my leave.
I was going to need to take a firmer hand with Karen. She'd become alarm- ingly candid with me of late - this being the third time she'd tried to break up with me in five days. I decided the only way to secure our relationship was to remain constantly aloof and disdainful. Then she’ll love me. Then they’ll all love me.
In my haste however, I'd completely forgotten that I had no idea where to go. I was lost and alone in a city I didn’t understand - just like Babe in the film Babe: Pigin the City. Unable to continue, I curled up beneath the nearest hedge and went to sleep.