London is a dangerous place. Vulnerable students should be wary of the opportu- nistic predators that stalk this city’s streets. Letting your guard down, even for a second, could have terrible consequences. Take the following situation...
You've been for a night out at The Roxy. Alcohol, weariness and poor taste in music have dulled your senses. Instead of waiting for your friends you decide to walk home alone through the gloomy streets of Soho.
Fool. Predators love isolated individu- als to target in the night. An innocent loo- king man steps out in front of you, asking for a cigarette. Not realising the intense danger you are in, you reach for your pack of Marl- boros. That is when the predator makes his move. From the shadows leaps an enormous Sumatran tiger. King of the jungle, this apex predator is pure feline killing machine. You can only watch as the innocent looking man is torn apart before your very eyes. Terrified, you flee down the nearest side street.
Fool. Predators love dark side streets in which to ambush their prey. You turn the comer to find yourself face to face with a huge grizzly bear. Seven feet tall, this fero- cious predator is capable of devouring any Russell Group university student in a ma- tter of minutes. The bear lunges at you but fuelled on adrenaline you somehow manage to escape, fleeing to the safety of your room in halls. Except... In your state of blind anac- mic panic you forgot to lock the front door behind you.
Fool. Predators love unlocked doors. Too late you realise your mistake, for there in your entrance hallway sits a giant killer whale. Lord of the oceans, this immense predator is six tonnes of carnivorous blubber. Mad with bloodlust, the marine monster thrashes its way towards you with lightning speed. Before you can react the beast is upon you, pinning you to the ground. It throws back its streamlined jaws to let out a squeakily sinister whale-song of victory, before gorging itself on your tender flesh.
Now, some of you might be thinking the above scenario is “outlandish” or “unrealistic”. But try telling yourself that when you've been eaten by a pack of kraken. You can't because you'll be dead. Life in London is short but through great vigilance you may be able to buy yourself a few more precious moments of life.
Why not spend them down at the Ri- chard Mully Basement Bar, Gower Street? Two for one on Carlsberg every Tuesday after 6pm! Bargain! (Excludes Export.)