A terrible secret is lurking within the historic walls of UCL. No, not the Provost’s hidden stash of large print crossword puzzles in the executive bathroom, but a colony of super-huge rats residing within the main library.
There have long been ru- mours of gigantic rodents living inside the university, but what was once dismissed as myth and fan- tasy has recently been confirmed as mind-blowing fact by a Cheese Grater investigation. Rebecca, a 3rd year English student, claims to have seen one of the creatures. “I was just checking my Facebook in the library when I saw some- thing move out of the corner of my eye. I got up to see what it was, when this massive rat lunged at me from behind the bookshelf! No kidding - it was the size of a Labrador! Or maybe a Labrador riding a jet ski. It snatched the Yorkie bar from my pocket before fleeing down the corridor. They should be exterminated.” A UCL librarian refused to comment on the incident but did politely re- mind us that no food or drink was to be consumed inside the library.
But not everyone who has witnessed the rats wants them removed. Postgraduate student Derek is fiercely opposed to any extermination program: “I love the rats. They’re my friends. On lonely evenings I often come down to the main library just to hang out with them and en- joy their company. Sometimes we race up and down the halls together. Occasionally, one of them will pretend to be a horse and I ride on its back, re-enacting battles of old. Just yesterday we played out the capture of the city of Harfleur by Henry V’s English army in 1415. ‘Once more unto the breach, dear friends...’ I ut- tered, as my rat cavalry heroically threw themselves into the photo- copying room.”
Some people have even closer relationships with the ro- dents. “I was raised by the rats,” says 24 year old Basil. “Born the bastard child of a promiscuous sabb, I was abandoned in the li- brary as a baby. It was here that the rats took me in and brought me up as one of their own. Suck- ling from the teat of mother rat, I grew strong and learned how to make my own way in the world. It’s thanks to them that I was able to realise my dream of becoming an Olympic gymnast.”
Such tales cheer and repulse in equal measure, but finally give society the chance to bring rat parenting into the open after such a long period of denial. Support and assistance for anyone who was reared by rodents is available from the UCLU Rights and Ad- vice Centre.