FIFA President Sepp Blatter has denied allegations he’s racist by claiming racism doesn’t actu- ally exist.
A defiant Blatter stated, “Racism is a myth. The concept of discrimination based on race was merely an idea dreamt up by my enemies to discredit me as Presi- dent. The term ‘racist’ was only invented after my 1998 election win, probably by a black man. Growing up on the Swiss-German border in the 1930’s and 40’s I clearly remember there were no prejudices based on ethnicity whatsoever. This shows that the concept of racism is nothing more than a contemporary illusion.”
Blatter’s stance has angered many footballers, including Eng- land defender and Twitter in- tellectual Rio Ferdinand, who tweeted in response “you are very ignorant and bad man. I don’t like you” and later, “Shepherd’s pie for tea tonight! Yum yum. #gravy.”
This is not the first time the FIFA President has courted con- troversy. In 2010 he claimed gay people should “refrain from any sexual activities” during the 2022 World Cup in Qatar.
Asked if his opinion has changed, Blatter responded: “No, I would like to apologise to the homosexual community for what I said. You see, I have recently dis- covered that I am in fact a homo- sexual in a major way. I now ac- tively encourage homosexuals to take part in as many sexual activi- ties as possible at the 2022 World Cup, preferably in public.” After being reminded that the Qatari state considers homosexuality illegal, he winked and replied “tee hee hee, I’m so naughty.”
Sepp’s light-hearted mood quickly darkened how- ever, when a reporter from The Cheese Grater questioned him on calls for his resigna- tion. “People have thrown many offensive comments my way over the years, calling me things like; corrupt, sexist, Swiss – but this is the greatest insult of them all. How dare they call for me to resign? Me – the man who single-handed- ly invented the Golden Goal rule! How dare they? How fucking dare they?”
At this point Blatter rose from his seat, tilted his head back and began furiously gesticulat- ing towards his own face whilst screaming the words ‘I am foot- ball’ over and over. After 40 min- utes the FIFA President was even- tually restrained and tranquilised. A FIFA representative later dismissed this incident, putting Blatter’s actions down to the stress of having been spooked by a mascot dressed as a big blue dog.