Furious Mumsnet users have railed against the Movem- ber Foundation following con- cerns over children’s safety.
“It’s just not safe for chil- dren” one enraged mother com- mented below a ‘tip’ on using boiled eggs as hand warmers, “you can’t tell the difference be- tween stereotypical paedophiles and humourless, attention-seek- ing wankers. I left my son with a seemingly trustworthy gentleman outside an indie vinyl shop and returned to find him sobbing. He refuses to eat bananas now.”
Another mother said: “All this facial hair is just weird: I thought I had slipped through a time warp back to the 1970’s. It turned out I had fallen asleep on the Metropolitan line and woken up in Uxbridge.”
“These hipsters are per- verse and revolting,” a further mother grumbled. “Prison is too good for them - at least the pae- dos know that what they’re doing is wrong.”
The Movember Foundation reacted by officially stating: “The Movember movement merely aims to raise awareness and mon- ey for Prostate Cancer charities in the UK. We do not in any way endorse the nonconsentual enter- ing of juveniles ‘dans la bouche’ or the prolonged anal battery of minors.”
UCL’s own proud mous- tache advocate Provost Malcolm Grant told The Cheese Grater: “I love Movember. Not only does it remind me to stick a finger up my arse every year but it also al- lows me to blend in on campus. Only during November can I slip unidentified into sports night at the Roxy.” When asked by The Cheese Grater why the Roxy had such appeal, the Provost’s be- gan humming the tune of David Guetta’s ‘Sexy Bitch’ as his eyes gradually glazed over.
Henry Collins, a 1st year psychology student and Hockey player questioned outside the club, said: “Of course we saw him. He’s the one who’s obvi- ously three times the age of eve- ryone else. We all thought it was a laugh until Sarah let him take her up the Astor!”