8:45am: Good morning and welcome the day three of the Leveson inquiry.
9:05am: Hugh Grant is brought in, bleeding. There is a large gash in his flank, and his right arm seems almost severed, dangling by a thread. Grant sits down uncomfortably. Addressed by Lord Justice Leveson, Grant tells the crowded courtroom:
“The Mail on Sunday hired people to hack me! I can’t believe they hired people to hack me! [Pointing to the lawyer for the defence] Look, he’s holding what they hacked me with!”
The lawyer for the defence is holding a bloodied scimitar. There is much whispering from the crowd. Justice Leveson probes Mr. Robert Jay QC, the Mail on Sunday lawyer for defence, while Grant continues to bleed.
9:11am: Grant’s right arm falls off and he pleads for adjournment so he can get to a hospital; Lord Leveson refuses on grounds of limited time but passes Grant a tissue to mop up the blood.
9:14am: Grant begins his account of the hacking:
‘Well you see, a short time ago I was in contact with a Warner Brothers executive…’
Grant winks at an attractive woman in the audience.
‘…over an upcoming film. She had a lovely plummy English voice. In the film I star as a dashing English gentleman underdog who eventually gets the beautiful girl. Anyway occasionally when I’d phone up to speak to the nice charming English Warner Brothers executive…’
Grant winks again, at the same woman.
‘…we’d joke about English stuff like Marmite, because she was English. Did I mention she had a plummy voice and was English?’
Grant vomits.
9:15am: Angrily, Leveson tells Grant to stop throwing up and wasting time and get to his point. Grant continues:
‘In the hallway earlier I got talking to that chap over there with the sword. I was telling him all about that nice lovely plummy English girl and all about my new film where I play a charming English gentleman underdog. I was asking him if he’d ever seen Notting Hill or Four Weddings or Love Actually; ‘what you’ve never seen Four Weddings!!’ I kept saying to him jokily, then I did the voice from my film Micky Blue Eyes ‘for- ged about id’, ‘get the heel outta here’; when he just lost it and lunged at me with his scimitar.’
Leveson tells Grant to “shut up”.
9:17am: A quite shocking scene: the lawyer for the defence jumps at Grant and chops off his other arm with the scimitar. Quite composed, Grant continues:
‘Yes, this kind of thing often happens to me, being a charming English gentleman underdog who always gets the… plummy girl… plummy girl… plummy… plummy… plum-mmm-eee’
At this final ‘plummy’ Grant slumps over the table.
9:30am: Grant’s body slides off his seat into the puddle of blood that has pooled on the floor around him.
9:32am: Leveson has come to his verdict. He announces:
‘Mr. Jay, you may be guilty of manslaughter - however understandable, considering the victim. But it is not for me to say as this is the Leveson enquiry and not the law courts. I find your client, the Mail on Sunday, not guilty of hacking. Thank you for your testimony. Next on the court’s docket is Jeremy Clarkson. Please bring him in.’
9:35am: Hugh Grant’s dismembered corpse and two arms are removed from the courtroom.
9:39am: An attendant arrives with a hefty black bin-liner.
Overheard by News of the World
• Voicemail left for Hugh Grant: “Hey Hugh, just to let you know your dry cleaning is ready - call by any time to pick up.”
• Voicemail left for Anne Diamond: “Hi Anne, it’s Jeremy from C&S Sofas? The sofa is still scheduled to be delivered tomorrow morning; if that is a problem could you call me back.”
• Voicemail left for James Murdoch: “James, it’s your Dad. We have to cover up this voicemail hacking.”