Home Secretary Theresa May has caused anger across many parts of the UK by declar- ing all-out war against cat-own- ing immigrants. Speaking at the Conservative Party conference, May used her speech to attack an obscure Human Rights law which, she claimed, gave a Bo- livian student immunity from deportation because he owned a pet cat.
The specific law in question is Article 8 of the European Con- vention on Human Rights, which states: “Anyone within ten feet of a cat automatically qualifies for British citizenship.”
Any move from the Home Secretary to amend this law would be highly controversial. As historian-turned-racist David Starkey has pointed out: “The link between feline ownership and the right to live in Britain is an ancient one, with some histo- rians claiming it’s even enshrined in the Magna Carta itself ”. He later commented: “though many dismiss this claim due to the fact it’s bollocks.”
Members of the public were more receptive to a change in the ruling. Barry, a haulage merchant from Sheffield, told The Cheese Grater: “Bloody Bolivians com- ing over here and taking our bloody cats, it’s bloody outra- geous! It’s about time the bloody government got rid of this bloody law and protected us bloody Brits for a change!” Asked if he liked cats, Barry replied, “God no, I hate the bastards – coming over here and crapping in my bloody garden, it’s bloody outrageous!”
One person who doesn’t agree with the change in the law is Andrew Lloyd-Webber, whose hit musical Cats relies heavily on immigrant audiences to make a profit. “Without the lure of free citizenship, who is going to come and watch my musical?” a concerned Lloyd-Webber com- mented. “Take that away and all you’re left with is two and a half hours of utter shite – very few people will pay to see that.”
When contacted by The Cheese Grater reporters, Cat Deeley refused to comment on the matter.