‘Balls!’ explained Jon But- terworth; head of UCL Physics Department and “science ma- chine” designer at Switzerland’s black hole factory, CERN (Civi- lisation Engulfer but Rightfully Neutral!). Butterworth has been doing what is known technically as ‘Advanced Science Theory’ at CERN, mainly for Higgs1 and Giggles but also as an attempt to spaghettify the smug out of Bri- an Cox, who once called him a “chuppa chup slut quark2”.
Joined by Italian and French par-ticklers from all types of tuft-twizzling topiary, Butter- worth sounds the alarm to mark the end of CERN’s annual emer- gency “Oh Neutrino3 di’int!” meeting.
Guests included date-crash- er Matt Smith, who was denied squatting rights despite showing CERN’s security a blank pukka pad with ‘I have a PhD in “Wib- bly Wobbly Space-Time bol- locks!” in-scribbled.
Also in attendance was Ka- tie Price, who postulated that “quantum fluctuations in a four dimensional membrane could enable neutrinos to escape into a higher dimensional space-time known as ‘the bulk’, in which the 4D membrane sits.” Her musing went unnoticed, however, due to what appeared to be a stirring in Steven Hawking’s third leg.
Meanwhile in Westminster Princess Labour, Ed Miliband, proposed that David Cameron was responsible for the unexpect- ed quirk in the experiment, after having made too many cuts in the space-time continuum.
David was unavailable to show Ed the back of his chat but blue-shifted president of UCL’s Conservative society, Sam Firth argued that “sub-letting these un- observable wormholes through space-time to non-EU members could alleviate some of the Euro- pean indebtedness”.
UCL Provost, Professor Malcolm Grant was quick to plank on to the bandwagon, sug- gesting that an extra dimension could be installed between the old and new Union buildings to reduce travel times between unanimous disap- pointment.
1 The Higgs Bo- son gained notoriety as the particle that explains why your mum is so fat.
2 The quark is an indivis- ible particle that makes up pro- tons and neutrons. There are six flavours including up, down, top, bottom, charm and strange - which if you repeat 3 times gives you unlimited health for 15 min- utes.
3 The neutrino is a particle that personifies Pope Benedict XVI’s nightmare church service, having no mass or charge and be- ing composed largely of Jews.