Imminent collapse may await al-Qaeda according to sources close to the or- ganisation’s leadership. The news comes after a series of tapes, purportedly record- ing Osama Bin Laden, were traced back to a location, now surrounded by NATO Forces, in Northwest Pakistan.
The tapes, addressed to ‘Freepost: You’ve Been Framed’, include footage in which Bin Laden forgets his lines and fails to realise the camera is roll- ing as well as some home vid- eos from within the terrorist’s subterranean command centre.
One insurgent who did not want to be named, Faisal al-Abdullah, defended the strategy. ‘Just because we’re insurgents nine to five doesn’t mean we don’t have com- mon problems like walking into glass patio doors, falling through those white plastic chairs you get from Argos and IEDs going off in your face.’
Explaining the motivation behind the new strategy, Ayman al-Zawahiri told The Cheese Grater that the move had an economic rationale. ‘At 250 quid a pop, you’d be literally mental not to send those videos in. Mullah Abdullah Zakir sug- gested it, and it was a flawless plan until Keith cocked up and put our return address on the parcel... Fucking Keith, we’ll never take anyone for work ex- perience again that’s for sure.’
Analysis of the tapes has varied. ‘They’ve apparently turned to drink as a sign of desperation,’ claimed Dr. Edu- ardo Oppenheimer of Chatham House, referring to the tape en- titled ‘Lads on Tour - Pakistan ’08’. The tape shows Mullah Abdul Gani Baradar, taunt- ing one ‘Osama Bin LAD!’ before exclaiming ‘TaliBAN- TER!’ and imbibing a full eight-pint pitcher of Snakebite.
‘This alcoholism now seems inextricably linked to the nationalist fundamentalism so endemic in the movement,’ continued Oppenheimer. ‘We clearly hear Obaidullah “18 pints” Akhund proclaim his ambition to create a pure, per- fect “LASHganistan” before vomiting in manifold locations. I think what we’re seeing here is a fundamental shift in the underlying geopolitical struc- ture of South-Central Asia.’
Professor Emmanuel Ros- tovzeff of the Royal United Services Institute contested this evidence at a recent con- ference on Middle East re- form. His retort ‘Osama Bin Laden? Osama Bin Cunt more like!’ raised a wry smile from nearby William Hague, who is yet to comment on the matter.
No shots have yet been fired in the standoff (with the exception of Flaming Sambu- cas) and tensions remain high. You’ve Been Framed presenter Harry Hill has welcomed the developments as evidence of the programme’s widening au- dience. The tapes may, howev- er, present problems for those commentators who criticise mil- itary intervention as an ineffec- tive means of spreading liberal values and Western behaviour.