UCL sent a clear mes- sage to all perverts this week by announcing that students will be subjected to a full In- ternet history and hard drive check before graduating. The Information Services Division will use technology developed by the Metropolitan Police to expose all students who have viewed illicit material dur- ing their time at university.
The technology - de- signed to target students’ Online Masturbatory Foot- print (OMF) – analyses view- ings of not only pornographic websites but also Facebook photo albums. Repeated view- ings of beach holiday albums are classified by the soft- ware as a ‘code red’ situation.
The male population of UCL tumbled into hysterical panic following the announce- ment on 1 February, with many attempting to destroy any traces of their OMF. Unable to face up to their disgusting habits, many third years were seen throwing computers into skips and out of windows, with one group even going so far as to throw a bin bag of machines off Tower Bridge.
It would appear too that many have chosen to simply ‘lose’ their laptops rather than face the checks. This week UCL Lost Property has taken posses- sion of thirteen laptops, two iPads and an Etch-A-Sketch depicting a splayed woman. However the Etch-A-Sketch was later reclaimed by Vice- Provost Prof Michael Worton, who had accidentally left it in the South Junction toilets.
The future of the scheme is uncertain however, as several prominent graduate employers have come forward in opposi- tion. Fresh from the success of its campus-wide ‘We are the Wank Bank’ campaign, Credit Suisse was the first to speak out.
‘We need wankers: it’s almost a necessary quali- fication here in the City – great proof of a student’s short-term dedication.’
Alex Karski, the UCL Union Sabbatical Officer, held an emergency meeting in the Gustav Tuck Lecture The- atre two hours after the news was released. Using a Power-Point presentation, Karski ran through the basic steps for de- leting Internet history before someone pointed out such in- formation is saved irrevocably to the hard drive. Hearing this, the Sabb immediately grabbed his laptop and smashed it on the ground, yelling something about ‘Mandy’s beach shots’.