Wikileaks
Every man, woman, child, dog and amoeba reeled in shock on 29 November as anti-naughty organisation Wikileaks revealed that diplomats and politicians occasionally badmouth each other when backs are turned.
In particular, the cables detail rumours that revered world leaders such as Silvio Berlusconi, Robert Mugabe and Mahmoud Ahmedinejad behave, on occasion, like twats .
The lucky journalists from The Guardian (subjec- tive- ed.) are being spoon- fed endless tales of politi- cal bitchiness, and they’re eating it up like the greedy Waitrose hamsters they are.
The real shame about the Guardian coverage, how- ever is that free speech icon Julian Assenge, the founder of Wikileaks, comes across as a petty gossipmonger when he’s actually a concerned and courageous alleged rap- ist. I smell a conspiracy!
Happiness Tax
Plans are afoot in govern- ment to tax the happiest mem- bers of society. After the first ‘Happiness Index’ is released in 2012, George Osbourne hopes to implement a proportional tax based on citizens’ net euphoric income or ‘Larry quotient’.
Opposition leader Ed Milliband criticised the pro- posed fiscal initiative as ‘un- workable’. He claimed that jovial individuals would be able to cheat on payments simply by ‘remembering the troops’.
The measurement sys- tem is based on the find- ings of Dr. Archibald Larry. It is thanks to his pioneering work on Ebulliance Systems and Hedonic Impulse Tech- nology (EbullSHIT) that the people of Coventry are able to simulate joy on a daily basis.
Dr. Larry was unavail-able for comment but a spokesperson for his labora- tory said, ‘he’s happy as…well let’s just say he’s very happy.’
Bojo Divorces Wife Over World Cup Loss
London Mayor Boris John- son has blamed the loss of Eng- land’s World Cup 2018 bid for the breakdown of his marriage.
He filed for divorce from his wife of seventeen years, Marina Wheeler, with- in two hours of the decision being announced in Zurich.
Johnson claims to have been ‘so bloody cross’ at the corruption within FIFA that ‘being in a long term relation- ship no longer felt like an ap- propriate course of action’. When asked if he had been prompted by re- cent allegations of infidel- ity, Johnson replied, ‘Erm, no’.