Protests in Central Lap- land last week defied expecta- tions as over 50,000 children joined a march to express their concerns over planned cuts to this year’s Present Budget.
Scenes turned violent when the children reached Toy Headquarters and be- gan to build snowmen and smash baubles while pumping out Christmas carols from a makeshift sound system. One of these children has been ar- rested for attempted mur- der after throwing a Yule log from the top of the building.
Controversy was sparked when, in this year’s spending review, Christmas was slashed from twelve days to seven. Santa Claus, leader of the Toy Party, also announced redun- dancies of two frontline rein- deer at a meeting of the ‘Sleigh Operations Committee’.
Further plans are being made to reduce the number of households that he will be vis- iting in December. Children at the protest vented their fears that the houses with finest sherry and largest chimneys will be treated preferentially.
Saint Nicholas Cleg- gnog, who has become known as ‘Mrs. Claus’, standing in for his husband at Santa’s Grotto on the day in ques- tion, spoke with passion in de- fence of the government plans:
‘Nice and naughty can no longer be the sole criteria by which we decide present dis- tribution. I do not think that it is unreasonable to expect a vintage sherry in return for a world class present. I admit that, perhaps, I was misguid- ed when I signed the “Good Will To All Men” pledge.’
These measures are the latest in a long stream of con- troversial Christmas policies. This year, the length of the word ‘Gloria’ in ‘Hosanna in Excelsis’ will be reduced to three syllables and there is now only room for two kings on the ‘We Three Kings’ committee.
In addition to these dif- ficult cuts, children raised on Child Benefit monies will be required to work as elves to make presents for the more for- tunate. The campaigns officer from the ‘Union for the Chil- dren of Lapland’ (UCL), Mi- chael Chestnut, had this to say:
‘This is a clear exam- ple of forced labour in the modern world: Santa Claus is a complete sleigh driver’.