The House of Commons ground to a halt in shock yesterday as David Cameron care- lessly cut off his left testicle. The latest Tory cut left MPs and aides stood in astonishment as his bloody nut lolled slowly across the floor of the Central Lobby before coming to rest on a soiled copy of Lord Browne’s tuition fees report. This follows a tumultuous year for the Premier af- ter births, deaths and, most tragically, the theft of his penny-farthing from outside Tesco’s.
The leader of the opposition, Ed Miliband said, ‘this accident is typical of the Conserva- tives’ careless cuts proving they are the same old Tories who cannot be trusted to make safe reductions in government expenditure’. Mili- band went on to add that ‘under a Labour gov- ernment we will cut the deficit half as quickly, which is not only better for the economy but al- lows us to spot problems earlier. Under the Labour policy it is clear I'd have only chopped off a quarter of my bollock, perhaps a third before I’d have realised it was the wrong cut to make’.
The deputy Labour leader, Harriet Har- man, applauded Cameron’s choice of anatomy saying ‘if there’s one thing we need in West- minster it’s fewer testicles’. When asked about the apparent gender inequality of the cut Har- man added: ‘this is not an example of the fe- male anatomy being barred from the chopping block, simply a rational decision based on the fact that we need all the women we can get in Pacliament to give the economy a lovely big hug — that’ll make it feel better’. When Ed Balls was asked for comment about David Cameron’s ball he responded 'I've suffered from people mak ing fun of my name all my life and I am not about to start responding to cheap jokes now’. In the hours after the incident there was mumbling on the right of the party with one MP stating off the record, 'I’m just upset that Cameron only sliced off one bangle instead of the full family jewels. Only by feeling pain can we legitimately harm the British public’.
When asked for comment, Cameron’s of- fice released a statement stating that ‘In no way will having only one testicle affect David Cam- eron’s ability to conduct himself as Prime Minister. His recovery will be aided by the Deputy Prime Minister, Nick Clegg who is already specialised in kissing ass, it’s a small move to the balls which will aid Cameron’s recovery’.
There is a precedent for continuing in high levels of government without all organs present. Lord Mandelson returned to Brown's govern- ment in 2007 shortly after a catastrophic cruising accident in Corfu, as a result of which the La- bour peer was forced to have his heart removed.