Marian Jago
So, it happened again. You started talking to someone you really liked and she seemed to really like you, so you foolishly allowed yourself to develop feelings for her. Or maybe you just chatted her up at a bar before going dead-eyed and lunging. Either way, just when you thought your fairytale romance was coming true the icy bucket of rainbow rejection was poured cruelly down your back. It might feel like you’ll never escape the cold crushing grip of loneliness, but fear not! This handy guide will help you react in a way that allows you to retain your dignity; the last thing you have left.
Option 1: Inform her that you, in fact, are also gay
Now, this might seem counterproductive, or even slightly embarrassing, but this helps to downplay any feelings you might have had for her. By telling her that you too are a member of the colourful coalition; all her feelings of discomfort and disgust will miraculously vanish! (we recommend presenting yourself as bisexual to avoid looking like the deceitful serpent that you are!) She will probably feel much more comfortable around you and who knows, maybe she’ll even change her mind!
Option 2: Insist you will help set her up with someone
This option is ideal for disguising your feelings for her, because no one would ever suspect that someone who is overly involved in someone else’s dating life might have (or once had) a vested interest. It’s also a truly benevolent move, after all, why would a woman know how to talk to other women? Clearly she needs your help in this facet of life if she isn’t already off the dating market. If you aren’t sure whether or not she’s dating someone, just assume she needs your help – lesbians love being forcefully set up like your dolls when your parents weren’t looking!
Option 3: Start treating her like a man
This route is the least painful for you, as what was once an option becomes a person! There is nothing a lesbian loves more than being considered a man! They’re basically the same thing anyway, right? This method allows for a complete emotional shift, because of course you could never feel this way about a man. A beautiful, smart, funny man. A man whose smile lights up the room, whose laughter sounds like a melodious song. Ewwww haha, are we right? This way, you’ll make a new friend for (hopefully) life!
Option 4: Cut that toxic woman out of your life!
Having lost her previously obvious spark, you may find yourself no longer enjoying the time you spend with her, and may no longer find her funny, smart, or interesting. For the sake of your own mental health it is imperative that you separate from this emotional vampire, and establish a support network for yourself. To do so, make sure you tell your entire social circle how toxic she is, and begin distancing yourself from her gradually; leave her on read for a few days and avoid her in public until she gets the message.
Option 5: Call her a slur
And there you have it!
Hopefully with these top tips you will be fully prepared for the next time you ignore a woman’s body language and misread her smiling at you as a deep yearning desire for your body and/or soul.
Catch us next time for tips on handling being asked by your female friends to stop using the word bitch!
This article appeared in CG 87.