Over the past few months, UCL halls have seen a repeated increase in unexplained phenomena that, whilst not entirely destructive, have certainly reduced quality of life in halls.
Unfounded noise complaints, vanishing shower handles, inhumanly small footprints, and patches of speckled toadstools have all joined the standard canon of life at UCL halls since mid-December. Originally thought to be a result of an insufficient maintenance budget, recent revelations seem to point elsewhere.
“I found a small red hat in my sock drawer which was way too pointy to be fashionable and I wouldn’t be caught dead wearing it. I could never have put it there,” says Stella Forester, a student at Astor College.
Pedro Carvalho, a student at Ramsey Hall, states “I found a worm in my dinner. I get that’s normal for Ramsay, but this one was smoking a [whimsical] hookah pipe.”
It is clear, therefore, that UCL accommodation is experiencing an influx of whimsy and magic unsuitable for student living. Sources have confirmed the culprits to be gnomes of the non-garden variety.
Gnodexo, a company specialising in mystical creature removal (as well as catering), was contracted by UCL to assess the scale of the issue. In an interview with The Cheese Grater, Gnodexo spokesperson Stephan Gargamel-Watkins said he would “hesitate to call it an infestation.” “I’ve been gnome-wrangling for thirty years, and I’ve seen this countless times. It’s usually a few dozen of the buggers causing mischief, and it can be dealt with swiftly under most circumstances.”
When asked how the dilemma would be approached, Gargamel-Watkins clarified the creatures could easily be lured out using Elvish liquor: “It’s an expensive solution, but it’s worth not having to clean up the pipe smoke and beard hairs. Gnomes historically have severe alcoholism, and can’t keep their hands off that elvish stuff – open a bottle of that good stuff distilled under the Eternal Twilight of Karthvast Isle and they’ll come running.”
It should be noted that this addiction to hard liquor has repeatedly been found to be a result of systemic gnomophobia, and is not inherent to gnomish biology or culture.
Gnodexo has a concrete plan for the ethical rehabilitation of the gnomes following the operation, The Cheese Grater understands: “Yeah, so most gnomely mischief violates both the Mages Covenant of the Third Era as well as the 1956 Clean Air Act and has no place in London.
"Our first step is always counseling and rehabilitation. If that doesn’t work, we can extract and sell their magical essence, since it's the key ingredient in Red Bull. Back in my Grandad’s day we’d do Smurfs too, but since the eighties their culture’s been protected by UNESCO as intangible heritage.”
The operation is set to begin in May. Preliminary incantations suggest work shall begin by bluest moon ‘fore the pheasant’s croon, with the mist upon the fen; delivered to those will be what is owed whilst the quad shall be closed again.