Students' Union UCL’s NUS referendum campaign has taken a new, shocking turn. The four users of the UCL East shuttle bus were surprised this morning to find that the minibus has been taken over by the Vote Leave campaign: the Ford Transit has now been painted red, with a slogan emblazoned on the side reading “we send £30,000 a year to the NUS: let’s fund our welfare services instead”.
The floppy-haired figurehead of the Vote Leave campaign and president of the Rugby club, Jonty Trent-Vandenburg, then arrived by zipwire from the top of the Marshgate building to just in front of the bus, where he was joined by a froggish-looking gentleman, Mike Glove.
Trent-Vandenburg had this to say: “Today, chums, we start the fight for our freedom from the unelected bureaucrats in Stockport. We send the NUS £30,000 a year and what, I ask of you chums, do we get in return? Nothing!” He then revealed a banana from his pocket.
“I, just this morning, purchased this humble banana from the Bloomsbury Shop, but the NUS has declared that this banana’s curvature must not exceed ten degrees. This is the type of ridiculous regulation we are suffering under the oppressive yoke of the NUS. I would even say it is more Kafkaesque than the driving ban those little Hitlers in Swansea put on me for the little scuffle with mama’s Volvo and that Fiat Multipla on the A262. Now chums, who agrees with me that the povvos should be kept out of our good Kentish roads?”
At this point, Glove hastily shut the door of the bus, which then promptly left One Pool Street. The campaign team was next sighted outside Foster Court: the Vote Leave campaign is believed to be targeting underfunded, forgotten backwaters like the SELCS department.
There is speculation Trent-Vandenburg is only campaigning for Leave as a useful staging post for the Union presidency, but upon being asked about these allegations, he attempted to offer The Cheese Grater journalists tea, and after further attempts at questioning fled to a walk-in fridge in the Street Slice pizza takeaway.
Witnesses reported hearing Trent-Vandenburg say, “Oh my lord, is this what the povvos eat? Mikey, you were one of them, yes? Is this really the slop they shove into their gaping, ungrateful, protoplasmic mouths?”
The Vote Leave campaign has notably shunned Nigella Flamange, a perennial anti-NUS candidate in Union elections, due to concerns the perceived extremism of her views may alienate potential Leave voters. A recent speech she gave spoke of students of post-1992 universities "flooding" the Union’s bars and cafés, saying “the NUS is forcing us to accept thousands of students from these new members: I don’t know about you but I certainly wouldn’t be comfortable in the Institute sat next to a group of London Met students.” She was later ejected from the Huntley for attempting to light up a cigar inside.
Asked about his thoughts on the Union’s NUS referendum, UCL’s Provost Michael Spence said “you plebs have got a Union now? Not for long....” He then smashed a nearly empty jar of Vegemite with a hammer, and used a slingshot to fling the resultant shards of glass at random students on the Main Quad, adding characteristic streaks of blood to the new brickwork.
The Provost then exclaimed, “What the hell are you doing in my office? Get out of here!” and turned his slingshot towards his computer. Regrettably, The Cheese Grater was unable to continue its video interview after this point due to technical difficulties.