The campus was first proposed after the university received a flood of complimentary support for UCL East, which has reportedly been hailed by the Students’ Union as “a new opportunity to introduce the greater student body to the wonders of Stratford”.
However, the university noted that many students have complained about the distance between UCL and UCL East. A spokesperson said: “We understand that many students were displeased to travel for 45 minutes via 2 tubes to still find themselves in London. As such, we opted to break new ground and enter the final frontier — space itself.”
The proposed campus is said to hover just below the boundary into Outer Space, following the flightpath of the International Space Station. Some concerns have been raised about the campus being slower than the ISS, which could potentially result in a lethal impact; but the Engineering department has confirmed that such a collision would only happen if the campus was just over halfway full, which (if UCL East is anything to go by) is highly unlikely.
There will be a new set of Halls aboard UCL North, providing “beautiful views over Earthrise in the morning”. Unfortunately, said Halls will lack wi-fi due to their positioning above the satellite belt. Residents are encouraged to “download some shows” for the time they spend aboard.
The issue of ‘spacism’ has been raised by some Engineers. It has been observed that animals returning from the UCL North construction site on planned experiments has resulted in them holding significant animosity for those of the same species who remained on Earth – a problem that the Security Team aims to solve by jettisoning any suspected spacists into the unfathomable void.
Classes will be held aboard UCL North for most students, but due to transport times it is likely that students will be forced to stay at the campus for several weeks before the shuttle returns to take them back to the new spaceport at UCL East, where they can then travel back to Bloomsbury.
The Timetabling Service has said, “We’re working on it, okay? Fuck! Aren’t any of you concerned that we’re playing God?! Man was not supposed to fly this close to the sun! Do you not remember Icarus?! DO YOU NOT REMEMBER ICARUS?!”*
All funds received in the last three calendar years have been diverted to the construction of UCL North, meaning current students will soon notice food, water and oil shortages on campus.
The Cheese Grater has been assured that “sometimes sacrifices must be made for progress” and “the weak shall fall, the strong shall fly”. The Cheese Grater attempted to reach out to the project lead for further comment, but all he could provide was maniacal laughter.
*(interview performed before the Timetabling Service was recently shut down for ‘mania’)
