In 2019, a young, handsome, and virile Arthur Lachlan came across an article in the Evening Standard that ranked the top twenty Wetherspoons within zone 1 (note: The update that replaced it missed out the Montague Pyke, exemplary of the Standard’s decline). Gripped by the furore of a Fresher, full of free time and unfamiliar with the realities of London budgeting, our plucky young hero vowed to set off on a quest to fill his holy grail (pint) at each of these noble taverns (pubs) before he laid down his arms (finished first year). Now, in my twilight years, I have been asked to share with you my views on the famed UCL Mile.
For those not in the know, the UCL Mile consists of the eight Wetherspoons listed below, all of which lie within a nautical mile of UCL, and all of which are to be patronised within a day. If you find yourself complaining that I don’t know the price of a pint or the carpet design, then you’ve missed the point entirely; go watch the weird guy in your course’s reels for that sort of review.
1. The Lord Moon Of the Mall, Leicester Square
Having a Spoons near the Leicester Square casinos seems to invite limitless potential, yet I only found myself wondering whether they offer Russian Roulette with a semi-automatic. Named after Orwell’s idealised pub, this locale bears no resemblance to his dream, with only a tenuous connection maintained through its Orwellian atmosphere. Undoubtedly the worst pub of the bunch, some leave it until the end for when you genuinely stop caring, but the only dopamine it will give you will be from knowing you’ve gotten it over with.
Clientele: Lost.
Highlight: The Simmons next door.
2. Shakies, Holborn
So fair and foul a pub I have not seen. Known to some (old people and the Spoons app) as The Shakespeare’s Head, Shakies is decidedly alright. Decent Doombar, bouncers who’ll sniff my cig packet, and a latent feeling of malaise that never amounts to anything. All of which come together to keep you on your toes and strengthen the bond you have with your fellow travellers (who you may need to rely on to be your protectors).
Clientele: Genuinely saw some blokes just repeatedly spit on the carpet.
Highlight: Frequented by the local Freemasons, go and see if they’ll recruit you.
3. Pendies, High Holborn
Allegedly called Penderel’s Oak and named after the tree that hid a true English hero. Completely unremarkable to the average visitor. Last visit included multiple people ‘WFHing’ on their laptops and as one explained in the (in the fittingly lacklustre) smokers, taking advantage of the bottomless coffee. Not the best indicator of a fun night out.
Clientele: KCL and LSE kids (easy to impress).
Highlight: About a two-minute walk from Shakies. Nearby Simmons is decent as well.
4. The Sir John Oldcastle, Farringdon
Primarily a stop before Fabric, this locale manages to somewhat eschew the city boy atmosphere of the pubs around it, but has forgotten to replace it with its own charm. Named after the model for Henry V’s Falstaff, this locale lacks his charm, vigour, and joie de vivre, replacing it with sterility, a sense of exposure, and an awful lot of flowers. All the cons of a pub near a station with none of the pros. Upon reflection, I have been a bit harsh, it’s alright, probably top half to be honest.
Clientele: Confrontational to the bouncers, possible source of entertainment.
Highlight:
5. The Barrel Vault, Saint Pancras
A pub in a station is never a cause for optimism. Transitory spaces never feel like home, but in the same way an airport crush can, for a brief moment, fill the heart with joy, so too can the Vault. Maybe it’s the feeling of potential — that by boarding any of London’s underground arteries, one could, for a moment, not feel alone in our city but rather imagine themselves as the blood flow that keeps this city alive. Either way, I am disproportionately nostalgic for both the smoking area and the easily missed décor.
Clientele: Relatively older crowd here, to be honest.
Highlight: Good spot to convince that boring ‘friend of a friend’ to go home from.
6. The Captain Flinders, Euston
The newest addition to the list and also the hardest to categorise. Seems like a Wetherspoon’s attempt at a calm family pub. Like the previous two entries, this suffers from being too close to a train station and inviting the associated traffic. Largely unremarkable, although during the daytime it can be a nice place to sit outside and engage in some serious people-watching. Luckily for Captain Flinders, he will not have to worry about this pub overshadowing his legacy.
Clientele: Students looking to try the new Spoons (I have not returned since it opened).
Highlights: Wi-Fi, TV Screens, Licensed Outside Area, Baby Change (as per the website).
7. The Metropolitan, Baker Street
At this point, you will be grateful that the Ice Wharf is too far from UCL to qualify for this list. Especially as the Met really does have some charm to it, even if it appears to have been designed by taking the best elements of two wildly different plans. Inexplicable vibe aside, the central bit is large but cosy, and the ‘organic remedies’ massage parlour next door might provide a happy ending for this chapter of the crawl. Undoubtedly my favourite of this list..
Clientele: Decent mix from all over.
Highlight: Had my first kiss there <3
8. The Montague Pyke, Soho
This once beloved music hall (a perfect segue for convincing your friends that going to Scala as PhD students is “not that weird and actually quite funny if you think about it”) is our last stop. Accessible from The Met by foot, Bakerloo, or Boris Bike (officially not recommended by The Cheese Grater), this fun haunt comprises four different sections, all with their own unique style and only one of which is actually worthwhile. Again, the idea is better than the finished product. I often find that the Led Zeppelin and Lou Reed posters remind me of how much better my night could be. Either way, decent enough for a drink but bad enough that you can easily convince your pals to move on to the next stop on your adventure.
Clientele: 1. The only time I’ve ever seen someone get slashed in London was twenty metres from here.
Highlight: The initial twenty seconds walking in, feeling like you’re Robbie Williams.
If I haven’t managed to turn you off of them already, please be under no illusion; these are not good pubs. Those of you new to the UK may not have grasped quite how dire the economic situation of the London Student is, but these are frequented out of necessity, not pleasure. Complete the Mile so you can tell the stories, but please don’t leave London thinking these are the best we can offer. The Marlborough Arms, Cittie of York, and the BASc common room all receive my approval as prime Bloomsbury boozing billets. And if you fancy cheery staff, pool tables, a nice smoking area, and indirectly (maybe?) funding this publication, I will leave you with my opening wisdom: “Stay at the Institute”.
This article appeared in CG93
