Hello to the hundreds upon thousands of Cheese Grater readers.
How are you? I’m doing wonderfully, thanks for asking. Why am I doing so great? Well, I’ve just heard that UCL has recently admitted their first ever Northerner! That’s right! The woke left have finally won, and the uni have been forced to admit a lowly soul from somewhere called ‘MandKester’ (I think it’s just above Watford!). Anyway, I have taken it upon myself to learn the ways of the Northern people, and I have created this guide on how to talk to any potential Northerner you might find around the university’s campus. Enjoy!
1) Learn to Enjoy Their Food
It might take a while to get used to, but the food of the North is… Well. It’s edible. If you have a Northerner coming around your flat, make sure to show appreciation for their culture by buying in some food they might like! For example, a G.R. Eggs sosige been and chease melt is the preferred food of the average Northerner. You can also give them chips, cheese and gravy. No, not separate.
IN NO CIRCUMSTANCES MUST THEY BE SEPARATE!
Same bowl, or your Northerner might jump out the closest window. Maybe even a Wigan Kebab if you’re feeling kind. I have no fucking clue what a Wigan kebab is, but you can probably get a tinned one from Home Bargains (another Northern staple). If you’re on a budget, a simple barm will do. Or maybe a cob. Perhaps a cheeky roll. Possibly even a bap, if you’re feeling naughty. A Northerner simply cannot digest anything outside of this beige palette. Even sourdough is too much for them. Trust me, do not serve them sourdough. Learnt that one the hard way.
2) Learn the Lingo
At first, a Northern accent may be jarring and downright unintelligible. But, fear not, for I have invested many hours in researching the linguistic ways of our Northern pals. Here is a complete guide to the Northern language:
- “Did I ‘eck” means, simply, in plain and simple, normal plain English, means “No I didn’t.” The more you know!
- “Nowt” is an easy one. It means “Nothing”. This can also be applied to “Ought” – simply, plain and simply, meaning “Anything.” So if someone asks if you want “Ought” you can just reply with “Nowt!” What a funny, simple little language.
- “Scran” I think means fuck off. Well, that was what I was told when I asked a cute, quaint little Northern man of 6 feet what it meant. How nice of him to take the time to educate me about his culture!
3) Show you’re knowledgeable about their politics
Haha, Maggie Thatcher, am I right? An important thing to consider when trying to befriend the wild Northerner is the sociopolitical context of their background. From their perspective, Baroness Thatcher is a right old bitch, and you should definitely take down any shrines towards her before you allow a Northerner into your house (learnt that one the hard way too! Ha ha. Ha. Ha ha ha ha.). Also, remind yourself of how poverty stricken they are before you speak. In your everyday speech, remember to include phrases such as ‘We as a nation don’t talk enough about how social class is a significant obstacle for success, particularly at universities.’ They’ll appreciate your empathy for their struggle.
4) Ask them about the new Sam Fender album
This is to show you really care about the contributions of their people to our great nation. You don’t even have to listen to the album to do this one, just pepper in some phrases like “I really liked [insert song]” and “I love his commentary on the social class system in the North East even if I don’t quite understand his accent and got really upset when he referred to private school kids as posh cunts”. And, for good effect, tell them that, although you really enjoyed it, it doesn’t hold a candle to Hypersonic Missiles. Without a doubt, they will agree and thus view you as a respectable, normal, ordinary Northern appreciator with excellent taste. If you can, name some other Northern figures that you know from popular culture. Such as Jimmy Savile. I won’t name anymore because I don’t know anymore.
Well there you have it! The conclusive guide on how to deal with the Northern scum – I MEAN – people that have infiltrated – I MEAN – joined our wonderfully diverse institution! When they said London’s global university, they really meant it! Ha ha. Ha. Ha ha. Ha. I just hope this doesn’t mean I have to go to Leeds. I’m all for integration, but I’m not willing to go THAT far…
