Under Provost Michael Spence, the University has completed several major vanity projects, including the widely loved and extremely busy UCL East campus.
Whilst the University receives an annual grant from Australia to ensure Spence cannot leave the UK, purchasing a new Jeremy Beartham fursuit after last year’s incident has left UCL close to bankruptcy.
Removed from his previous role at the University of Sydney following allegations of overspending, Spence applauded the innovative move of partnering with the UK’s largest supermarket, stating: “I love Tesco meal deal”.
Spence told The Cheese Grater, “‘Every Little Helps’ when it comes to funding”. When asked to elaborate, he stated, “we’ll need to approve this item before you pay. Please continue.”
The Tesco Vision
A new “strategic partnership” with Tesco will see the conversion of the Wilkins Building and Main Library into Tesco Extra Gower Street, opening in late February.
The Quad will be converted into a large multi-storey car park and students will now collect Clubcard points on their tuition. Graduation has been replaced with Tesco Clubcard Unpacked.
Whilst many academics and two students have voiced outrage at the loss of the University’s first library, Tesco has assured students that a “vast selection of high quality literature will be stocked, including all Colleen Hoover novels and daily issues of The Sun”.
Tess Coats, Retail Lead of Tesco UK, stated, “at Tesco, we love meal deal. Students are welcome to study in the Tesco Café, accessible by going up to the first floor on the Tesco-lator, although we reserve seating for paying customers only.”
A representative from the Students’ Union stated that they, “love Tesco meal deal”, but are concerned about the new degree classification system, which will reportedly class firsts as “Tesco’s Finest”, and 2:2s as “reduced to clear”.
The Cheese Grater can further confirm Jeremey Bentham will be retained in a “customer facing role”, fitted with a name badge placed above the self-checkouts to deter theft.
When asked for a final comment, Spence concluded:
“Don’t forget to scan or tap your Clubcard. Thanks for shopping at Tesco”.