The 2025 Leadership Race has concluded. For those successful candidates, their friends and family too, these results represent a day of joy and happiness (so long as they had a decent manifesto and are generally well-liked by the student community).
Naturally, such emotions are not felt by those who lost, stronger negative feelings are felt by those who are labelled as “Joke Candidates”.
In the sewers of Gower Street, characters like The Gnome, Captain Gregg(s), A Self-Aware Pint of Toast, General Disappointment, and A Man In a Costume of Unknown Intellectual Property, (I have only named a fraction of a fraction of these people) have announced the formation of The Evil Alliance (patent pending).
Led by the charismatic Dr Cruci, a man of unknown origin dressed up as the UCL cruciform, The Evil Alliance aims to take over the Students’ Union and prove to the world that they are more than a joke.
“When I ran for president in 2019, I had real ambitions of redesigning every building to be in the shape of the cruciform.” Said Dr Cruci. “I would trap my enemies in there and they would get hopelessly lost with a minimal chance of escape! How was my plan any less serious than the candidate who set out to improve student welfare? When I explained my manifesto to the UCL Comedy Club, they called it ‘the greatest standup comedy set ever seen’. Well, the joke will be on them when I take over this place.”
His right-hand man is the formidable Captain Gregg(s) a rejected mascot of the sausage roll dispensary. A man of few words. In an interview with him, he stated only one objective:
“Convert every food establishment in a 5-mile radius into a Greggs.”
“Why do they even call us ‘Joke Candidates’? What about us implies that we are a joke?” Said Lumpy Salami, the self-titled “brains” of The Evil Alliance.
This is the first time that a group of such candidates in UCL have banded together for villainous intentions. Upon asking members of the Students’ Union what their plans are to defend the university from The Evil Alliance. Their solution was surprisingly deft, the following was sent to The Cheese Grater via email.
“Oh yeah that haha! We just super glued the manhole of the sewer that they live in. That should delay their plans by a few years. And then we’ll just superglue the manhole shut again. What are they like, amiright?”
The Evil Alliance have yet to issue a statement due to eduroam not being able to reach the sewers.
