All classes scheduled for 14 February have been cancelled, announces Equity & Inclusion Officer Eda Yildirimkaya, except for the University’s queer population.
In a bid to create a more inclusive space on campus this LGBTQ+ History Month, a new UCL-Union joint experimental policy outlaws any straight person to step foot on campus on Valentine’s Day. UCL’s LGBTQ+ population can expect classes to resume as normal, with the cishets of the University having to catch up through Moodle attachments and the benevolence of their queer friends.
The LGBTQ+ Network released a statement claiming they are “thrilled” by the decision and “cannot wait” for the heteros to “get the fuck off campus”.
“It’s brilliant!” One spokesperson has said, “I mean, I don’t have an issue with straight people, I really don’t. But they don’t need to shove it in our faces like that. It’ll be so refreshing to have a day where campus is just filled with good, normal people. I hope this tradition can be continued every year going forward.”
However, the decision has been met with some controversy, with many students claiming that “the woke left has gone too far” and campus should be a safe space for the heterosexuals of the world, too.
“It’s ridiculous,” says Henry, a final year economics undergrad, “straight people are just as persecuted as gay people. Even more, even. Apparently it’s okay for the university to ban me from the science library just because I’m straight! It’s gone too far. Since when was ‘public nudity’ and ‘explicit sexual acts’ banned? I bet it would have been fine if there were a couple of blokes at it!”
Questions have also been raised as to whether or not rugby lads who make out with their team players “for a laugh” are eligible for classes or not. When asked by The Cheese Grater, the Union said it was “undecided” and that rugby lads should probably stay at home, “for everyone’s safety.”
Reports are also coming through that the English Department will continue as normal, due to the fact that every single student in the Department identifies within the LGBTQ+ community. It will be the only UCL department to face no significant change this Valentine’s Day.
For those lucky enough to be on campus this Friday, the Union has planned a number of fun activities specifically designed for the Queer community. These include a screening of the 2017 movie Love, Simon and an exclusive performance from Azaelia Banks in Mully’s. Questions have been raised as to how up to date the Union is with the queer scene of 2025.
