UCL has issued a ‘DO NOT ENGAGE’ warning to all students regarding the annual appearance of a zombified Jeremy Bentham.
Elgin Edison
The full moon on 17 October was when the English philosopher rose from the dead to wander the Bloomsbury campus. Upon requesting students for ‘debates on law reform’ he will proceed to perform at least one of the following actions:
- Harvesting your soul
- Draining all the water out of your body
- Boring you to death
- Teleporting you to the halls of flesh
- Erasing you from time itself
Law and philosophy students currently remain the most vulnerable to Zombie Jeremy Betham.
Students’ Union UCL has issued the following statement:
We ask all students to travel in groups where possible and not to put themselves in unnecessary danger.
The UCL senior leadership hope to return Zombie Jeremy Bentham to The Shadow Realm on the night of Halloween.
Safe zones are all the student bars where there also just happen to be discounts on all drinks served. So come on down, have a pint, and celebrate life with your mates!
A collective statement from the deans of each department was also released:
Over 100 years have been spent trying to permanently eradicate this bastard.
While his death is not guaranteed for this year, we can assure you that this son a bitch is going back to the slime hole he crawled out from.
May he pay for all the lives he has taken…
Zombie Jeremy Bentham has issued his own statement which was transmitted through the minds of all UCL members:
Darkness is permanent. Light simply holds it back. Even the sun will be extinguished one day. I will keep coming back until every light has been extinguished.