Each day since time immemorial, two warring groups have fought viciously for the space at the doorway to the Student Centre. Whoever emerges victorious there toils doggedly for the rest of the day. He knows he cannot waste the opportunity to recruit unsuspecting freshers to the cause. That cause, of course: Mormonism. Or, wait… is that a hammer and sickle? Shit.
I, dear reader, appear to have fallen straight into a common trap. One which this week’s Halloween Pub Quiz will make the focus of its festivities. Is That Guy handing out the flyers a Mormon, or a Marxist?
As many among us know, determining the difference between the Mormon and the Marxist can be difficult when approaching them in the wild. The Mormon’s traditional button-up-and-tie has recently been co-opted by the hipster Marxist. The latent bisexuality of the Marxist is almost indistinguishable from the Mormon’s truly immovable heterosexuality. The challenge this brings to even the discerning passer-by, cannot be overstated.
How is one to know whether they are safe to walk through the main entrance, undisturbed? The Mormon approaches the unsuspecting knit-jumper wearer and Waitrose shopper, the Marxist approaches the sociology student and the well-dressed. It’s imperative one can be sure into which camp they and the flyeree fall. Are you covered in paint stains? Do you have cunty eye makeup? Then beware the tote-bag carrier. Are you harried? Visibly a religion that is not Mormon? Do not think that that will save you from the little blue book.
Some unfortunate souls are hounded even by both sides. One victim explains:
“I, a lesbian, am of course attached by the carabiner to my sexy sapphic lover. The Marxists assume the homosexual urge to seize the means of production lies within. The Mormons kindheartedly offer us some light reading and a spiritual cure to our godlessness. They fail every time, for my partner is simply too gorgeous. Their ass, too juicy.”*
*A direct, verbatim quote from my partner. Word for word, istg.
I tell you this to explain to you why the academic powerhouses at The Institute Pub Quiz may have finally met their match. In a grand show of masochism, these brainboxes have decided to test their powers of discernment and disguise by putting themselves in the firing line. Truly a spooky prospect, just in time for Halloween!
Each team member must walk past the front entrance of the student centre and continue all the way to Gordon’s Café without being stopped, or worse, given a leaflet. Each successful team member will bring their team one point for stopping without getting a leaflet, two points for not stopping at all and, one must imagine, an eternity of exile if they stop for a chat. Will anyone make it through unscathed? Tune in on Wednesday to find out.