The Students’ Union Products and Services team have announced that 2025 was one of their busiest periods yet.
In their monthly update to students, the team said:
“Our team has been working day and night processing student refund requests following the purchase of our latest product, Condom Roulette. We are proud of their dedication to refunding all of that money back.”
Condom Roulette was sold for £40 and included "10 premium condoms, each a different size, colour, thickness, and flavour.’
However, a production mishap with an assorted spices company has resulted in all of the condoms containing a varying amount of herbs and spices.
We spoke with Ryan Salmon, a second year Geography student, who reached out to The Cheese Grater following his use of an extra-small, pink, thin, gravy-flavoured condom, which was unintentionally combined with a ghost pepper extract.
"Words alone cannot express the emotional turmoil I went through," Salmon told The Cheese Grater, "I was about to get laid with the girl of my dreams and then within two minutes, I had shit myself all over her duvet. The Students’ Union has ruined my love life, and I call on them to give me a lifetime supply of non-spiced Condom Roulette in compensation for the damages done to my body and soul."
Salmon was offered a lifetime supply as 29,200 condoms, equal to a condom every day for the next 80 years, which he has described as a “reasonable offer based on [his] private life”.