The Cheese Grater can exclusively reveal that none other than One Direction have been confirmed as the headlining slot, with planned performances from Charli xcx, Bentham Boone (Benson Boone was unavailable), and the ghost of Michael Jackson.
A UCL spokesperson said: “We are so excited to welcome these amazing artists to the main quad for UCL’s bicentennial celebrations later this year. Unfortunately, we have been forced to lay off the departmental staff for over nine subjects in order to afford Bentham Boone’s backflip landing mat. However, be rest assured that these are sacrifices we are willing to make.”
Eagle-eyed readers of The Cheese Grater might be quick to point out that a full performance from One Direction is not possible due to Liam Payne’s tragic passing in 2024, but word has it that stepping in for him is none other than Erika Kirk. The band is set to perform their new single “We Are Michael Spence”, before jetting out on their sold out world tour.
Erika Kirk, who rose to fame after the assassination of her husband at the end of last year, will also serve as master of ceremonies for the duration of the celebrations.
Some of the events the student body can look forward to include fireworks celebrations, target practice in the Student Centre basement, a food market, and friendship bracelet making (subject to bead availability).
Tickets are available from £345 and your first born son on Ticketmaster now. Be quick, tickets are not expected to last for long.