Oh, crap. You are in the first Zoom lecture of your new module, and the professor wants you to bond with your classmates.
“Tell me an interesting fact about yourself ”.
But alas, at this pivotal moment, you’ve forgotten all of your accom- plishments and favourable personal- ity traits!
Fear not, my unsociable friend. The Cheese Grater Magazine is here to help.
1. Talk about your accomplish- ments in sports. Everyone will sure- ly be impressed:
“My name is Will. I’m excep- tional at aqua-jogging. I’ve won multiple awards, as indicated by the crowded trophy shelf I am noncha- lantly situated in front of. Allow me to adjust the angle of my laptop to also demonstrate my wall, plastered with my impressive certificates of participation.”
2. Something you’re really inter- ested in! “I’m fascinated by the alphabet soup noodles. Is there a lower-case alphabet soup? Is there someone who shapes every single noodlette by hand? I wonder if this is a career worth pursuing. Do you think the alphabet soup noodle companies are hiring? Anyway…I’m here to learn about hydroclimatology.”
3. Everyone loves food, right?
“I’m Nia and I am awfully interest- ing. I’m in an unhealthy relationship with my favourite food: vegetable fusion gyoza. I’m as obsessed with it as Piers Morgan is with Meghan Markle.”
4. How about something quirky?
“Hello fellow students, my name is Ahmed. An exciting fact about me is that I like to crochet my own sus- tainable reusable condoms. I make them out of discarded clothes I find in Camden recycling bins. They’re available on my Etsy, if you’re inter- ested.”
5. And if all fails, just be hon- est. No bond is stronger than shared hatred.
“I’m Jennie. I’d rather put my left tit in a panini press than take this compulsory module. Can’t wait for the coursework.”