In 2020, it’s important to get gift- buying right. If, at the end of this hell- ish year, you buy your mum a rubbish Christmas present, it will probably tip her over the edge. You can’t get her socks again, because that would show her how pathetic you really are.
Selecting the correct gift is a big re- sponsibility. A BIG one. Also, you’ve had nothing else to do for the last month. Why haven’t you looked on- line for gift ideas? Have you even asked your mum what she wants? God, you’re useless. Anyway, here are some gift ide- as, I guess.
1. Crack cocaine. To be honest, this is probably the best item on this list. Sure, it can be a bit tricky to source if you’re a boring goody two-shoes, but there’s not really anything else that will cheer your mum up during a 2020 Christmas.
2. Stocks. I dunno, just find a company and buy her some stocks in it. Since we’re in a recession she’ll defi- nitely end up losing money, but it will give her a reason to be interested in the FTSE 100. I’ve heard that watching the graphs is fun.
3. Quartz vagina egg. Gwyneth Paltrow knew EXACTLY what she was doing when she started selling these on her online store Goop. They’re pretty, they’re pink, they’re really expensive, and they’ll give you a raging Christmas infection.
4. COVID-19. Mariah Carey famously said that all she wanted for Christmas was antibodies. Apparent- ly they only last 2 months, but that’s plenty of time to cry in the pub instead of the living room. Plus, if Matt Han- cock’s in charge of the vaccine, you’ll be dead by the time you get it.