My fellow students,
The eagle-eyed among you may have spotted a smorgasbord of birds as you perused this term’s copy of your beloved The Cheese Grater. Before you call Mitch Brenner [hero of Alfred Hitchock’s 1963 hit film ‘The Birds’ – Classic Film Ed], or Rod [hero of James Nguyen’s 2010 hit film ‘Birdemic: Shock and Terror’ – Modern Classics Film Ed], lend me your ears for a brief appeal on behalf of our winged friend – the bird.
Birds first came to this great country nearly 80 years ago, arriving on boats from across the war-torn world. They put down roots in the great harbour towns: Leeds, High Wycombe, Notting- ham, and the late, great Swindon. Only a handful could speak – even fewer could speak English – but the citizens of this land took them under their wing and gave them jobs in the wartime indus- tries: wrapping Wine Gums, ploughing the great marmalade fields, and massag- ing the nation’s tired, tired brows. Before long, bird communities sprang up all over Britain – at that point protected from the rest of Europe by a little thing called parliamentary sovereignty – and we came to treat the birds not as stran- gers, but as colleagues, friends – some- times even lovers.
However, today’s world is a harsher world. A colder world. A – dare I say it – a less bird-friendly world. Here at The Cheese Grater we have long had an affinity with birds: one of our first col- umnists was a heron in a sweater, and So- ciety Bitch is currently dating a robin. I myself have just returned from our annu- al Cheese Grater pilgrimage to the RSPB centre in Bedfordshire. So if we can raise even one iota of awareness of our lovely feathery fellows with this issue, I will consider myself a successful columnist. For too long has journalism concerned itself with the shocking, the salacious, the sultry. Let this be the beginning of a golden age: the age of the bird.
Yours in ornithology,
Joseph Starling.