Dear Freshers,
A gaunt and hollow-cheeked wel- come to you all. Congratulations on making it to UCL. It must be like your 7th best dream come true. You must feel on top of the world – which is good, be- cause if you decide to jump you’re more likely to end it all.
Yes, my dear Fresher, it’s all downhill from here. According to The Cheese Grater’s Crude Maths, you are now pay- ing £1 an hour to be at this fossil-fuel guzzling, despotic regime-supporting, not-so-world-class university.
Meanwhile, your friends who stayed at home are earning £5.40+ an hour – yes, the very same friends you scorned for not pursuing Further Education. Sure, they work at a Wetherspoon’s and they have to finger their manager if they want a raise, but at least they never have to have the conversation about which Oxbridge college rejected them [mine was Trinity – Ed.]
Enjoy these giddy few weeks, young idealists. After the buzz dies down, it’ll be endless empty nights as you hunch in your bed, binge-watching another compilation of “Harambe, We Hardly Knew Ye” Vines, eating raw Miso soup sachets from Itsu, unable to move under the crushing weight of your own un- fathomable loneliness. I have seen the future, Fresher, and its name is “your debts will rise in line with inflation but your wages will not”.
Yours in solemn regret,
Julie,
Student Support Services