Morrissey’s universally panned novel is still a great deal better than that manuscript you wrote about that girl you’ve fancied since you were 14, every Guardian writer you admire has said.
The treacle-voiced Mancunian, 56, re- leased his debut effort List of the Lost late last month, to widespread ridicule. Even though reaction to the 120-page book has been overwhelmingly negative, the erst- while Smiths frontman is thought to be taking comfort from the fact that his inco- herent typo-strewn romp is, according to Owen Jones, “ten times the work of art your flat-footed attempt at a bildungsroman will ever be.”
It has since emerged that several of the Guardian columnists whose articles you keep sharing on Facebook – despite your old art teacher from secondary school who used to sweat a lot and disappeared mysteri- ously halfway through year nine, and whose musty annex building you now know stank of box wine and skunk, being the only per- son to ever like them – also think that you will never amount to anything.
When presented with really good bit with all the rich metaphor that sees the character you blatantly wrote as an ideal- ised version of yourself finally get with the girl whose Facebook page is your most vis- ited site on Chrome, George Monbiot said: “What the fuck is this dreary shite? I would love to chin you mate. And yeah, before you ask, this is the real George Monbiot. You thought I was going to dignify that ream of sub-Tumblr cliché by phoning in one of my columns with the big words that looks clev- er but really means nothing in particular? You can fuck off mate, seriously. The girl doesn’t even sound fit. I’ll buy you a Sun+ membership if it means you never read any of my work again.”
In a further blow to your dreams of amounting to anything more than your miserable Tory-voting parents have, Polly Toynbee, who had initially remained conspicuously silent amid the growing backlash, wrote on Comment is Free: “This is wank, tbhwy”.
Passages from Morrissey’s novel – wide- ly circulated on social media – have led to speculation that List of the Lost will emerge victorious in the Literary Review’s 2015 Bad Sex Awards. The panel have since confirmed that “you can’t win, you’re a virgin.”