Hey there Freshers! I’m here to give my tips and tricks for uni, so that you can learn from my mistakes! Not that I really make mistakes. It’s more like in House of Cards, where you think he’s made a mistake, but actually, it wasn’t, and then it all flips around, and now you’re the loser stuck in mistake-town. So yeah, learn from the experience of UCL’s Frank Underwood. Frank Underwood but sexier. Sexy and charismatic Frank Underwood.
Oh no! I don’t have any friends!
Clearly, the problem here is your per- sonality. If it wasn’t, you wouldn’t be in this situation. My advice is: why do the work yourself, when others can do it for you? By a couple of weeks into term, friendship groups will have started to emerge, so you can just parasite onto an already formed bunch of chums instead of having to create one yourself ! Just remember, your person- ality is a pile of shit, so for fuck’s sake stay as quiet as possible. I’ve yet to come across a question which you can’t dodge with a skillful shrug. You may only be a shadow in the light of their happiness, but to be honest, that’s the best you’re going to get.
Oh no! I’ve fallen in love!
They’re good-looking, they’re nice to you, they make you feel emotions and happiness and stuff, instead of the usual hollow pit of nothingness. But they’ve still got a long-distance relationship left over from school! What a bummer, right? WRONG! It’s just a matter of strategy. They’re spending hours each night on sky- pe? Bring them a lovely cup of tea in their room, then oops! You’ve spilt it over their laptop, and oh no! It’s on the fritz, skype is off the books for tonight I guess. Maybe they should come to your room, and you can watch a film together on your laptop. Finally, get very very drunk, then barge into their room when they’re still sober. They’ll have the disadvantage of functional social embarrassment, whereas you have no such constraint. Make your way towards them, kneel down so you’re face to face, and con- fess your love. Whoops, you knelt a bit too quickly, now you’re face-first on the floor. Okay, just get up and try again. Oh no, you’ve fallen into their wardrobe. Don’t worry, you could still recover this. Except that you’ve just pissed yourself. Not a good look. Better cut your loses and run away, there’s no hope anymore. I’m sure they weren’t right for you anyway. Avoid them for the rest of your life.
Oh no! My life is empty and meaningless, my joys have turned to ashes, naught but sorrow lies before me!
I’m really really sure I don’t know enough about this to help you out. I’m not lonely, I’m the life of the party, I am. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.