The door slams. You’ve left for uni. Your mum stands silently upon the threshold. Your dad’s not there because of when he abandoned you, or he’s gone to the shops or something, we don’t know your backstory, and anyway, this isn’t about him. This is about your mum. She walks to the kitchen, grabs a bottle of gin from the fridge, and pours a large glass. If you think your mum is celebrating your leaving, turn to page 21. If you think she’s drinking to console herself, turn to page 37.
p. 21
“Slurp!” Says your mum, caning back the gin before opening Tinder on her phone. “Shagged, shagged, shagged,” she says nonchalantly, swiping left, the cold gin firing up her newly impassioned loins. “Now that bastard/she-bastard of a child is gone, we can kick things up a notch. Who’s up for flaming bucas!?!” she cries, using Trivago to book one way tickets to Magaluf.
If you think your mum is going to have a good trip to the Costa Del Knob, turn to page 46. If you think she’s going to have a bad time, turn to page 53.
p.37
Don’t be naive. Your parents are absolutely delighted that you’ve left, you fucking parasite.
p. 46
“Wooohooo!” exclaims your mum. “I can’t believe I’m on holiday and I’ve just won another holiday!” she says, before individually thanking all twenty-four men.
p.53.
“It’s a fucking cocktail?” says your mum. If you think your mum returns home, turn to page 89, if you think she stays in the resort to become a cleaner and atone for her sins, turn to page 64.
p. 64
“Mis muchos años en este agujero infernal mala muerte me han hecho sabio. Una vez que haya visto muchas mamadas pre vómitos a aprender una cosa o dos . Creo que tal vez yo solía tener un niño . Ahora no estoy tan seguro. Todo lo que me queda ahora son mis nabos” says your mum, via Google Translate.
p. 89
Your mum opens the door to her empty home, the dust of missed opportunities filling up the crevices of a forgotten life. She goes to the kitchen to make a sandwich.
If you think your mum is going to make a cheese sandwich, turn to page 101. If you think she’s just going to have a plain one, turn to 102.
p. 101 and 102
A fucking sandwich filling? You actually went to the page to confirm this?! Holy shit you’re boring. I’m going home. Also what the fuck is a plain sandwich?