My first sighting of The Illuminati, or “Chris from Shropshire Council” as he'd asked me to call him, is a dark silhouette at the window of the Costa we've agreed to meet in. He sits down opposite me at our suspiciously clean table, and I try to make out his features, which are obscured by dark shadows. I'm forced to conclude that he simply is a silhouette, comically emphasising his shady nature. I chuckle to myself at this witty thought, and make a mental note to create a meme of it. If come out of this interview alive.
“Hello!” says The Illuminati, shrewdly trying to lure me into his web of lies. He shifts in his chair slightly, probably flinch- ing at an uncomfortable memory of his part in the destruction of the Twin Tow- ers. I notice that a lot of people in the café have eyes. Eyes that can see. Christ! He's surrounded me with living cameras!
He proceeds to order a drink, just like he'd ordered the death of JFK 50 years ago. He starts speaking to me, but all I can hear is a weird mix of orphans wailing and Nicki Minaj songs. I know, in my heartest of hearts, that both of these things are his fault. I immediately start singing Neutral Milk Hotel’s “In the Aeroplane Over the Sea” very loudly — I know that they can’t be Illuminati, because nobody buys their music.
It occurs to me that if I do anything out of place he’ll have me killed instantly. 1 think of the most non-suspicious, nor- mal thing I can do to avoid this outcome, and shout “NICE WEATHER WE'RE HAVING”. He gives me a puzzled look. GOD. He's only gone and sussed me out! 1 leap over the table, sprint towards the door, then trip. As I look up, I see Hitler, Tupac and Elvis blocking the exit, wield- ing Paul McCartney’s corpse as a club. My last chance of escape is through the window, but a UFO piloted by Barack Obama in a burka hovers outside. I do the only thing I can do. I reach for my official V for Vendetta merchandise Guy Fawkes mask (trademark Warner Bros. Pictures, which is a subsidiary company of Time Warner Incorporated), and become com- pletely anonymous. I simply walk past them. The fools. Beneath this mask is more than just flesh. Beneath this mask is a YouTube account with more than 40 subscribers. And YouTube accounts with more than 40 subscribers are bulletproof.