Do you feel lonely and unfulfilled? Are you annoyed that when you walk down the street you almost never bump into people you know, because you don’t have enough friends? Does your back some- times hurt? If so, then it’s probably because you’re a worthless failure. Don’t worry though, I can help you with that. Like you, I used to be a disgusting, shambolic, pitiful excuse for a real person. Then I developed my soon-to-be-patented system, which I call ‘The Wham Initiative’, because when you follow it, you’ll have as much success as 80s pop group ‘Wham!’. Specifically, George Michael from ‘Wham!’, not An- drew Ridgeley.
In order to achieve total happiness in all aspects of your life, all you have to do is fol- low 3 simple steps:
1.Whoever came up with the saying “sell the sizzle, not the steak” was totally wrong, and probably French. And not the good French either. The bad French. The French people who aren’t young sexually available women. I mean, think about it, in a res- taurant, by the time the steak hits the pan and starts sizzling, you’ve already ordered it. You have to think streets ahead. The way to do this in practice is to spend inordinate amounts of money on advertising and PR firms to ‘sell’ your image, so that everyone you meet will think you’re really great be- fore they even meet you.
2.There’s another saying, this one goes something like “If someone’s not helping you, they’re hurting you”. This one’s a good one, I think I’d probably like the guy who came up with it. What it means is that all people are good for is what they can do for you. If they can’t do anything to further your aims, then they’re in your way. In those cases, you have to be ruthless. It used to be that you could undermine them subtly by pissing on their leg when they weren’t pay- ing attention, or even go big and have them kidnapped and killed by Columbian drug warlords, but apparently now that’s con- sidered “unethical”. The modern way to de- feat your opposition is to spend inordinate amounts of money on advertising and PR firms to libel, defame and delegitimize your opponents. Do this right, and you’ll find everything starting to go your way.
3.I believe it was the lord Jesus Christ who said “you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink”. Fuck that noise. What did he know? Of course you can make a horse drink, if you withhold water to it for several days, for example. Or if on the way to the water hole you put up posters and signs saying how brilliant drinking water is. Or if you pay shills on twitter to constantly create social media buzz about this awesome thing called ‘Water’. Moral of the story: horses are stupid and probably thirsty. Of course, those things don’t just happen. Inordinate sums of money are required to get advertis- ing and PR firms to cause them to occur. Then you’ll be up to your ears in water-guz- zling equines.