When I heard that sexy physics profes- sor Brian Cox was opening a petting zoo, I thought “Wow, I should go to that”. So I did.
I enter the petting zoo along with 100 or so other guests on a balmy Saturday af- ternoon. We are escorted to a small pad- dock containing a family of goats, where Brian Cox is stood waiting to begin his tour.
“Now this baby goat may appear free and unrestricted as it frolics with its sib- lings”, he starts. Members of the audience nod in agreement, eager to discover where their enigmatic host may be going with this example. “But don’t be fooled, it is in fact constrained by the same universal laws of physics that determine the nature of our entire cosmos”. The crowd gasp in amazement. One woman keels over from shock. At this point Professor Cox leans over and picks up the aforementioned kid. “Observe”, he instructs, before fling- ing the helpless creature high into the air. He waits precisely three seconds before calmly turning back to the audience and stating, “Gravity”. The crowd go wild. Everyone gets to their feet in rapturous applause. A small child in tears near the back of the group is forcibly removed by Petting Zoo security guards.
Intoxicated by the adulation of his audience, Professor Cox swaggers over to an adjacent chicken coop. “Chickens”, he exclaims. “These humble creatures seem at first glance to be as transient in their existence as the breaking of a wave or the bursting of a balloon. Yet this is an illusion. For you see, these chickens are composed almost entirely of atoms”. This revelation is met with shrieks of uncon- trollable hysteria. Several bras are thrown forward onto the chicken coop. Professor Cox continues, “Yes, atoms. Atoms forged within the bowels of ancient supernovae; thrust into being billions of trillions of centuries ago by forces so colossal in mag- nitude we can barely comprehend them”. Professor Cox lifts the nearest chicken high above his head. “This chicken”, he proclaims, “is older than time itself !” The audience explodes in excitement, surging forward and swamping Professor Cox in a mass of bodies, underwear and poultry.
Petting zoo security guards desperately try to taser the mob into submission, but to no avail. Terrified small animals jump their pens and attempt to flee, adding to the chaos. I see several guinea pigs and a lonely gerbil scurry to the safety of the Cyclotron barn. Opting not to join them for fear of ionising radiation damaging my tamagotchi, I instead hop aboard the nearest pot-bellied pig and ride to the park exit, never to return.
All in all, aside from the riot and loss of my family, it was a great day out. Defi- nitely better than Legoland. Four stars.