This article originally appeared in the Hastings and St. Leonards Bugle. Re- printed with permission.
Local hero Hescott, putter in hand, walks up to the final hole. The usually restrained crowd at the Hastings Adven- ture Golf Complex breaks out in tense applause. A woman screams: “come on Trevor”, a man: “one more putt” and a seagull goes: “squawk”. Trevor steadies his shaking hands as his rival Trudge looks on. This shot will decide the tour- nament. This shot will be heard ‘round the world.
This is the Crazy Golf World Cham- pionship, which takes place in the ‘Cannes of East Sussex’, Hastings. The field features crowd favourite Ian Hes- cott, West Sussex badboy Maximilian Trudge and an entire class of a local pri- mary school on a fun day out for the end of term. At the pre-tournament press conference Hescott says “I eat crazy golf, I sleep crazy golf, I work as a handyman. But whenever I am bleeding a radiator or lagging a boiler, I’m not thinking about what I’m doing, I’m thinking about my putting action”. Trudge used the press conference to promote his DVD ‘Put- ting Putting First’ and to claim ‘that he will putt like a butterfly and sting Hes- cott like a huge wasp”. The teacher of the school class commented “we weren’t re- ally aware that this tournament was go- ing on when we planned the trip”. Tensions surfaced before the tee off when the players went to the little hut to pay and collect their putters. Trudge blocked Hescott’s path and said: “I didn’t drive here all the way from East- bourne to lose this championship”. Hes- cott pressed his chest against Trudge’s and retorted: “Au contraire. I think you did drive here all the way from East- bourne to lose this championship”. The players had to be forcibly restrained by event staff as they attempted to get each other in a headlock.
The World Championship’s course is curated each year by live-in grounds- keeper Ron Hargreaves. This year’s course is based on the teachings of the Old Testament. The course begins in the Garden of Eden, with players having to negotiate lush foliage, a tempting snake and a windmill. The fourth hole sees players negotiating the ruined cities of Sodom and Gommorah avoiding fire, brimstone and a windmill. The course is incredibly difficult and at the 14th hole a little girl gives up trying to traverse Mt. Sinai, bursts into tears and looks for her mummy. “That’s right, keep on walking” shouts Trudge after her. By the 18th hole only Hescott and Trudge are left.
So it comes down to this: the final shot on the final hole. Hescott needs a hole-in-one to win. Hescott strikes the ball; it passes through the flock of sheep, bounces off the angel Gabriel, squeezes between the frankincense and myrrh, through the windmill and into the manger. He’s done it! The crowd erupts.Trudge throws his putter into the sea with disgust. He has risen and he walks amongst us. He is Trevor Hescott.