Chapter I
The Hunt Begins
Lizo Mzimba checked his watch.
“Lectures should have finished by now, but where are the ladies?” he asked himself out loud.
A cleaner entered the far end of Phineas with a mop and bucket. “Hello!” Lizo ex- claimed, standing up hurriedly. In his excite- ment Lizo had stood up too quickly; he was dizzy and had to sit back down for a bit. Ac- knowledging that he couldn’t go over to the man, Lizo shouted, “Where are all the fresh- ers? I’m a fresher!”
“They shouldn’t be long, Carlsberg is on for £1 ‘till 9pm tonight.”
“I know. A very reasonable price.” Lizo re- plied, “I guess I’ll just wait here then.” He reached into his pocket and began to thumb his first generation iPod, a generous gift from the Newsround production team fol- lowing the success of his seminal Newsround feature, ‘What’s an iPod!?’ in 2001. He pulled it out and began listening to Hard-Fi.
At this moment, two boys entered the bar and placed themselves at the adjacent table to Lizo with a pitcher of Carlsberg. The pitcher had cost them £4 because Carlsberg was only £1 per pint until 9pm. The two boys glanced at Lizo, and being members of the ‘News- round generation’, recognized him instantly. They conferred with each other and decided to approach him.
“Are you alright there, Lizo? We were won- dering if you fancied joining us, we’ve got a pitcher over there.”
Lizo hadn’t noticed the boys, and was spo- radically nodding his head to the music. “Yep, living for the weekend! That’s me!” said Lizo.
“Lizo, how about a drink?” the other boy asked, louder.
“Oh! No thanks lads, I’m actually pretty busy over here.” Lizo pulled out 3 pennies from his pocket, arranged them in a triangle on the table and began to play penny football against himself.
Indifferent, the boys returned to their ta- ble and were soon joined by a group of their friends – three girls. Lizo, 2-1 down in the game, pocketed his iPod, picked up his pen- nies and walked proudly over to the table. “Lizo Mzimba, from the BBC. Mind if I join you, ladies?”
Lizo dragged his stool over and began to regale them with stories of his own achieve- ments. One such story was of how he had once ‘beat up a giant monkey’ that had es- caped from the set of Steve Backshall’s Deadly 60, but one of the boys was quick to point out that Deadly 60 was filmed entirely on loca- tion.
As the night came to an end and the bar was closing up, Lizo invited the girls back to his apartment, an offer not extended to the boys.
Chapter II
Into The Lion’s Den
“Take a seat, ladies, there are loads of seats in my apartment! I’ll just get us some drinks!” There was one sofa, which the girls sat on.
They could hear Lizo rummaging around next door.
“Yep, I’ve got a great cock for anal!” Lizo shouted from the kitchen.
“What?”
“Oh, sorry. I thought you asked me a ques- tion.” He explained.
The girls conferred uncomfortably about what they had just heard. Lizo followed it up with,
“Yep, it’s not very long but it’s quite thick!” Before waiting for a reply, he added, “Sorry, I thought you asked me another question.”
Lizo entered the room carrying a tray of full pint glasses.
“I hope you ladies like orange juice! I’ve only got orange juice.”
“Oh, orange juice is great.” The girls were starting to feel particularly uncomfortable. “It is, isn’t it?!” Lizo replied, enthusiasti- cally.
He picked up an empty basket from the coffee table, and disappeared back into the kitchen. Surveying their surroundings, the girls noticed several bins around the room, each containing a heaped pile of orange peel. Lizo came back with a basket full of oranges.
“Have an orange!” without waiting for a response, Lizo threw an orange at each of them. In the time it took each of them to eat one orange, Lizo had eaten seven.
“I feel great! How about another one, la- dies?” Lizo asked, picking up the basket with both hands and leaning towards them.
“I think we’re alright, thanks, in fact we should probably be goi-”
“Oh but I’ve already put a pizza in the oven, stay for the pizza?” said Lizo,
“Well I suppose we could stay for a piz-“
“Excellent!” Lizo interrupted, “it should be ready now!”
Lizo scurried into the kitchen. The girls, with their host out of the room, quietly crept down the hall and escaped through the door.
“Pizza!” Lizo emerged from the kitchen and the front door slammed. Noticing his guests had left, he slumped onto his one sofa and began to eat his pizza. The pizza, however, hadn’t been cooked at all – Lizo had just eaten another orange and scattered the peel on top of the raw margherita.