UCL is London’s leading university. We have a strong tra- dition of teaching Arts and Hu- manities, cutting edge scientific research and a vibrant student community drawn from all over the world. The question is: how do we ascend, to become a truly ‘global’, first-class institution?
Firstly, if UCL is ever go- ing to properly compare with the likes of Harvard and Yale, then waiting 45 minutes for a computer in the Science Li- brary isn’t going to cut it. But, why are we forced to wait for so long? It's because of all the ugly women. They clog up resources with their ugly features and their crap clothes. They should dress properly, like Jackie Onassis or Nigella Lawson.
Do you think that we'd ever have to wait 30 minutes in the Print Room Café if this were Oxbridge? According to www. visitoxfordandoxfordshire.com, Oxford has “restaurants serving cuisines from all around world to suit all taste buds and budg- ets™. “Ooooooooh” you cry — that sounds fantastic. Not at the Print Room though. Perhaps you plan to nip in between lectures for a quick slice of fudge cake? You'll have no chance of getting served. It’s because of the ugly women. They're all stupid handbags and stupid hairclips and I'm all “ex- cuse me, slappers” while trying to push them in the bin.
Do you think that at Stan- ford they’d have so many broken taps in the toilets? And why is the floor always covered in piss around the urinals? There’s nev- er any soap, and if you do finally manage to wash your hands the driers are freezing cold. Barely a gust. I've seen the ugly women hanging around outside and they are responsible.
David Fockney is a third year student in Fine Art. His girl- friend left him last week.