Hey there, big guy! How’s it going? Loving that Lon- don lifestyle, I bet! Still down about that Oxbridge rejec- tion? I know, it sucks, man; you were probably pooled, I’m sure – anyway, you could tell that your interviewer just hated your shirt-tie combo and controversial opinions on the Ossian dispute!
Chin up though, sport! I was pretty upset my- self when those scally-Tabs turned me down for Land Economy (“shake that blue pear tree!” and whatnot). The good news is that you’re in London – that’s right: Lon- don! Who needs those dream- ing spires when you’ve got the Shard slamming the fuck into your city sky line, eh? Bonzer! Here are my tips for making the most of life post-rejection:
1. Recreate that Ox- ford college atmosphere by donning a mortar board and wandering around the Tower of London or Lincoln’s Inn Fields. Muttering Latin at the same time will add a touch of authenticity to the whole ex- perience.
2. Japanese tour- ists can be found as easily in London as they can in Cam- bridge, it’s just a question of knowing where to look for them! A quick trip to Buck- ingham Palace should set you up with a whole host of tour- ist photo opportunities to ruin. Screaming “I’d rather be at Oxford than at John’s!” or “boat race!” at the same time should really get you in the mood.
3. Contrary to popu- lar belief, punting can be done wherever there is water. Note: since you will be punt- ing in the Thames, you will need a longer pole.
4. Refuse to walk on the grass at all times. When- ever you see someone walking on the grass, shout at them: “get off my quad you Hilda- beast!” or “I’ll be seeing you at Varsity next year!”