I grew up in the tiny vil- lage of Chudd, Gloucestershire and when I arrived in London last year as a fresher I was over- whelmed. If you too are from outside London, let me share with you what I’ve learnt.
Making friends
When attempting to make friends in university accommo- dation, think to yourself: “eve- rybody should be my friend”. If you see someone in the corridor smile widely, give them your friendliest double-thumbs-up and announce loudly, “I’m okay if you’re okay”. Next, find out what their favourite food is and offer to cook it for them. If they refuse, prepare it anyway, wrap it in newspaper and force it un- der their door. The alternative but equally successful approach is to think to yourself: “nobody should be my friend and every- one is trying to steal my phone”. If you see someone in the corri- dor, crouch to reduce visibility, look away and ask quietly, “Why do you have to be so cruel?”. Keep your phone in a big metal safe, set it to vibrate and enjoy the buzz when it rings.
Music
When I first went to a Lon- don ‘night-club’ I was confused. Why, when London was so noisy, would people pay money to lis- ten to more noise in a sweaty room? The answer, of course, is that they were listening to ‘mu- sic’, which is when you tell noise what to do. Music is currently divided into forty genres, includ- ing the sultry smooth sounds of Cool Jazz, the pulsating sleazi- ness of Sexy Jazz and the terrify- ing shrillness of Choral Singing. The important thing is not to enjoy or even listen to music but instead to pretend that you enjoy and listen to music that your new friends pretend to enjoy and lis- ten to. Remember, dub-step goes ‘wobble, wobble, wobble’, R’n’B goes ‘wibble, wibble, wibble’ and soft rock just goes ‘wooooo’ and everyone takes a nap.
Drugs
I myself have never felt the need to take drugs, but my friend Steve tells me he does them all the time. Steve says ecstasy comes in tablet form, roughly the size of the Collins English Dictionary. Two or three of those will have you feeling ‘well minty’ but go easy: ecstasy is even less dangerous than horse riding. Steve says cocaine is available almost everywhere for a negligible price and that the safest way to take it is in a food- stuff. Try mixing your cocaine with a coarse paté or perhaps bake it in a flan. Steve says he buys all his marijuana at reggae concerts that I’m “too square” to go to. He says he smokes it like a cigarette. Sometimes Steve tells me he’s going out to take drugs and then I look through his win- dow later and see him drinking limeade and playing pogs against himself.
I hope my advice helps you on your journey. As the old nursery rhyme goes: “The smoke, the smog, the smut, the sluts/ my God it’s rough/ London you’re filthy/ but I love you like a mum”.