Airline halted by no-fly zone
British Airways’ decision to divert all international flights through Libyan airspace was put in doubt on 17 March by the declaration of no-fly zone from the UN Security Council . The airline has recently spent mil- lions of pounds on the ‘Come Fly With Me…through Libya’ advertising campaign, but this money may have been wasted following the announcement.
The UN-backed no-fly zone is a response to Libyan President Muammar Gaddafi’s bombing of revolutionary reb- els in Benghazi, news of which BA executives were ‘completely unaware’. Now any planes fly- ing in the region face the threat of fighter jet attacks and sur- face-to-air missiles, dangers that BA will be keen to avoid.
Company CEO Keith Wil- liams cut a dejected figure at a recent press conference as he was forced to admit to seri- ous misjudgements. ‘We just wanted people to see Libya,’ he said, ‘even if they were only there for a couple of hours – it’s such a fantastic country.’
Col. Gaddafi was ap- proached for comment but refused to speak about the BA debacle on the grounds that he was ‘too busy’; clear- ly the effects of this decision are being felt deeply both here and in North Africa.
Margaret Thatcher - milk snatch!
The political elite braved wintery weather in Whitehall last week at the unveiling of a statue to commemorate Lady Thatcher. The piece left many shocked and shame-faced however, as a sixteen-times scale sculpture of Lady Thatcher’s vagina cast in seductive zillion-coloured white Egyptian marble was revealed.
Controversial Chinese artist Ai Wee-Wee, best known previously for filling the HMS Belfast with ball bearings in a piece called ‘Raincoat Un- derling’, was commissioned to create an artwork celebrat- ing Thatcher 80 ½th birthday. The sculpture has instigated fierce public debate, however, and plans to switch on the built-in fountain have been delayed until the matter can be discussed in Parliament.
Speaking non-exclusively to The Cheese Grater, Wee- Wee explained ‘Lady Thatcher pursued a highly masculine image while in power despite being a smooth and sensual woman. Thus I thought a gi- ant sculpture of her vagina would be a subtle reminder that she is in fact a Lady.’
The artwork, suspended by wires above the cenotaph actually appears to be a giant floating vagina, all White given the Egyptian marble used for the installation. ‘I thought of using Egyptian marble after a famous quote describing her as having the eyes of Caligua.’
The Chinaman has a his- tory of using innovative materi- als for his sculptures; creating images of Pope Ratzinger out of used condoms and a life-size Paul McCartney out of wood splinters from prosthetic legs.
Chris Martin has bath for Japan
Rock icon Chris Martin spent a week drinking Sake in his bath to show solidarity with Japan following the tsunami on 11 March. The Coldplay singer spent a total of six days bath- ing, getting out only three times for ‘unavoidable Waitrose trips’ and once to do the school run.
Martin, a UCL alumnus, was moved to action by pic- tures of Japan’s North East- ern coast that were beamed around the world in the wake of the disaster. ‘Seeing the trouble those little yellow fel- las were going through really put me in my place,’ he said, ‘I yelled at my TV, “Don’t panic! I’m going to fix you!”’
The Coldplay front man also demanded that his wife Gwyneth Paltrow park the cou- ple’s fleet of twelve Toyota Prius cars as close as possible to the entrance of their Somerset man- sion. Two verandas and a sum- merhouse on the estate were also destroyed in order to mir- ror the now familiar pictures of the post-tsunami devastation.
In a further display of grief, the singer closed his yo- gic garden centre indefinitely following the quake, but it is now running a reduced service as a mark of respect to the dead.
Asked why it was nec- essary to be nude during the watery sit-in, Martin enigmati- cally replied, ‘I’m having a bath.’
Cameron announces Eurovision referendum
Diplomatic relations jerk- ed into crisis-mode on 21 March when David Cameron vowed to make good on his promise of a full referendum on the Eu- rovision Song Contest in an in- terview with The Daily Express.
‘Come May 5, the people of Britain will have the op- portunity to finally choose: in or out,’ enthused the Prime minister. ‘Shopkeepers, nurs- es, bricklayers: You’re mak- ing your mind up!’ The ‘in’ campaign has a handsome £130m war chest, with dona- tions from the powerful Se- quin Manufacturers’ Union.
‘The UK should not en- ter Eurovision, until the losers of the war play by British rules,’ said a boring man. ‘These should be set out by the British Broad- casting Corporation, not some pseudo club for eurotwats. How they are an effective governing body when they meet only once a year each May is beyond me.’
At this point the tire- some man wiped the sweat from his brow with a string of Cumberland sausages before continuing, ‘It costs too much, and British people have no say over the outcome! The compe- tition is rife with tactical voting and protectionist music policy. Did you know that the Com- mon Audio Policy is the big- gest barrier to emerging African artists? Utterly contemptible!’
A few moments later the drivel continued: ‘Over 92% of our laws in this country come from 1975 Dutch outfit Teach- In, who won with their hit, “Ding-a-dong”. Well, we say that British Doorbells go ding- dong! That superfluous syl- lable symbolises everything that’s wrong with this contest.’