Every year thousands of students are attracted to UCL by the list of venerable alumni who once walked its halls and corridors. The names of famed individuals seem to promise hope for a life of af- fluence and health. However, my research reveals a shock- ing hidden truth: all UCL students will die, eventually.
It was as a first year stu- dent some two years ago that I began a project looking into the legacy of UCL. As we’ve all heard, the university has pro- duced some illustrious names that have impacted upon the world. Innocently enough, I was looking into figures like the author G. K. Chesterton, the inventor Alexander Bell and the Indian man Mahat- ma Ghandi. Purely by chance I noticed that G. K. Ches- terton had died. I thought nothing of it. But I then noticed that the same fate UCL Alumni Death Shock The Provost answers your DIY queries had befallen Bell and Ghandi too.
It struck me as somewhat bizarre that all three of these alumni should be dead and I immediately decided to investigate fur- ther. Things became very frightening very quickly.
I went to the library the next day only to discover that hundreds and thousands of UCL alumni had gone the same way. Ito Hirobu- mi, Wyndham Lewis, Henry Enfield Roscoe, Eric Gard- ner Turner, William Henry Bragg, Francis Galton, John Stuart Mill, A. E. Housman – each more dead than the last.
And the list goes on. I re- alised I was onto something more volatile than I could ever hope to fabricate when the librarian came and told me that the library was closed. Not a single door was locked. I hurried out.
People from all walks of life who had come into some contact with UCL were dying every day. Clean- ers, staff members, affiliate stu- dents, affiliate students’ pets, previous students of students, people who had once toured around the campus, people who refilled vending machines, peo- ple who provided the beverages on campus for those people re- filling the vending machines, people who had heard of UCL, and people who hadn’t. It seems that no one is beyond this mysterious web of death that hangs over the institution.
What does this mean for us as UCL students? It means that it’s too late. We’re already in their sights and the situa- tion is beyond our control. It is only a matter of time before we too find ourselves dead.