For ten years the world has fol- lowed the blossoming career of Emma Watson as wand- bothering Hermione Granger in the Harry Potter movies. But with filming now com- plete on the films that made her a reported fortune of £40 million, what could be next for Britain’s hottest star- let? Our reporter Docklands Bob called her up to find out.
EW: Hello?
DB: First thing first love, what the fuck have you done to your hair?
EW: Who is this?
DB: Never you mind who I am love. You need to sort your life out and stop walking around looking like Oliver Twist. No one wants to screw a dirty pageboy.
EW: Where did you get my…
DB: …And what’s the deal with these spotty oiks you’ve been going about with?
EW: Who?
DB: The tit with the glasses that can’t move his neck- you doing him are you?
EW: Excuse me?
DB: Scar boy. He your boy- friend is he? You need to sort yourself right out, stop putting it about with these uptight nonces. That ginger lad wants a punch too– the snotty little scrotbag. I bet you’re seeing to him as well, noshing on his ginger carrot–he’s never had it so good.
EW: Rupert and Dan are very dear to me.
DB: Oh she’s got a voice, has she? Little Miss ‘I’m a confus- ingly attractive twelve-year- old tart’. I learnt to use the Internet for you!
EW: Sorry, what?
DB: And what’s all this about you going to some stuck-up Yank university?
EW: I’m majoring in English Literature at Brown.
DB: Oh well fuck me! Dolly bird trying to get some smarts is she? Listen...