In these overly politi- cised times, let me transport you to a world where the only thing getting cut is cake, where moustaches are in fashion and have nothing to do with cancer.
That’s right Prince Wil- liam popped the question and a royal wedding awaits us on 29 April. Commemorative chi- na, national holidays and tiny flags– this surely is the distrac- tion we’ve all been waiting for.
But wait, what’s that? Darkness lies where blood runs bluest? Hold back on your ‘hoorahs’ humble subjects this shit’s about to get royal naaasty. It all dates back to August 1997 on the night you thought Diana died– you know, the tunnel, the swarthy boyfriend, the Pari- sian backdrop (je ne sais quoi).
The seminal ‘horrific car accident’ fooled even the keenest of monarchists. How- ever, if you were to take a closer look at the paparazzi photos of the wreckage, you would see that what you took to be Diana was in fact an Af- rican ostrich in a novelty wig.
The truth behind the bird is that the Princess of Wales in fact died a week preced- ing her supposed demise in a duel against Camilla Parker- Bowls. Shocking? I know. Surprising? Hardly. Irrelevant to Kate and Big Willy’s wed- ding? I’ll tell you why not.
Before the duel, knowing that death may await her, Lady Di divided up her soul into three parts to ensure immortal- ity. One of these parts resides in a corgi, another in Prince Phillip (which explains the rac- ism) and the third, why yes– the ring! Suddenly it all makes sense, doesn’t it? The mirrored outfits, the undesirable par- ents, the love for the colour blue– from the moment that Katykins slipped that ring on her glory-grasping finger she was possessed by Diana’s soul.
Romantic though it was of Big Willy to present Katykins with his dead mummy’s en- gagement ring, his horsey- faced spontaneity may have cursed his future marriage. Will Big Willy realise in time and destroy all the Hor- cruxes before it’s too late? Or, as the Evening Standard so elo- quently phrased it, will ‘the im- mortal Diana’ go on to marry her son thus continuing the great Windsor legacy of incest? Either way…who gives a shit?