Increasingly force- ful academic scuffles threat- ened to break the peace this month, as the northern cam- pus UCL launched a devastat- ing academic attack on their southern neighbours, King’s.
The frosty relations that had been building over the preceding months were shat- tered in an instant during the merciless attacks, which consisted of the barraging of an outlying King’s academic building with civil, but un- mistakeably angry letters.
The strongly worded mis- siles circled the earth 12 times before hitting their targets with chilling precision 2-5 working days later. Kings are understood to be considering their options, although rumours that the me- dia office is preparing a press release detailing KCLs nuclear capabilities are gaining traction.
A warhead is thought to have been planted inside Jeremy Bentham’s trousers decades ago as part of an earlier prank in re- taliation for the gang rape of the Kings mascot, Reggie the Lion.
This news follows the long history of intellectual skir- mish from both sides, notable examples including UCLs 1968 introduction of literary journal ‘Anals of Strand Poly’ which regularly published articles un- der the names of leading Kings lecturers on mundane tasks such as how to tie shoelaces, how to drink from a glass without spill- ing it on yourself and on how to adequately counter Wittgen- steinian language game theory.
King’s College returned fire with barbed strikes of their own, letting loose their fury by supplying a strategically important UCL laboratory with low grade conical flasks. More recently, in 2009 UCL vanquished several King’s re- searchers by having their ex- periments crushed by peer reviews. Professor Burt Burl- ington of the UCL Institute of Fusion Technology wrote that, “The work by Doctors Knight and Hutchinson while arrest- ingly obvious and unquestion- ably practical is both strikingly original and fundamentally brilliant.” Only to add, “That said, I’d rather dip my hon- eyed ballbag into a wasps’ nest than work on the Strand.”
The attacks have caused serious tensions, particularly with close allies of both univer- sities. The once-major player on the intercollegiate stage, Impe- rial College, called for the pre- vention of any escalating con- frontation, while UCL’s closest neighbour, communist institute SOAS, expressed a good deal of concern. A spokesman said: “We hope the relevant parties do more to preserve research in the central London district.”
The Northern institute has been facing a period of structural upheaval, having been almost bankrupted by incessant rebranding cam- paigns, and being subjected to intercollegiate sanctions for focussing on intensive research bombardment in spite of agree- ments with the Labour party to unilaterally dumb-down.
The decision to open an additional campus in Pyong- yang has only added to the fis- cal worries, amid questions of exactly how such a move is of strategic academic importance. The university’s dear leader is also preparing the ground for the dynastic succession of his junior, Mike Il-Wort Un, whose creative revenue enhancing schemes are predicted to mean a bright future for the north.