Do your bit for char- ity: Here are some top gift suggestions to turn Af- rica’s frown upside down during the festive season.
1. Heard of sending a goat? Now it’s time to send the body of Raoul Moat. Solve our problems and theirs – we get to degrade the body of a violent murderer, and they get a good meal.
2. Why not simply send your usual round robin Christmas letter? Nothing goes down better in the Ni- ger Delta than news of Gran- dad and his fungal infection this year. Photos optional.
3. Disney dollars. We all know that the little sub- Saharan chappies won’t be able to make it to Orlando, or even Paris any time soon, but with this thoughtful pres- ent, it’ll be like they’re al- ready there. It’s a small world after all – especially for these guys, most of them will have never even left their village!
4. A gun. What better way to show your respect for African self-sufficiency than to provide them with the means to defend themselves. Kids will definitely be jealous of your new gun, so it is probably the first thing you will need to defend.
5. Another gun. Cow- boys and Indians just isn’t the same without the fear of imminent death. Get back to basics with this pair of potentially lethal weapons.
6. ‘Dead Aid’ by Dam- bisa Moyo. Find out why your country is up shit creek without a paddle. Excel- lent for engaging in political discussions over the turkey.
7. A copy of The Cheese Grater. Everyone loves union gossip and angry, borderline offensive jokes, regardless of where they come from, right?