PETA’s newly published collection of fairy tales entitled Fairtrade Tails, is as delightfully indulgent as a slice of cashew based vegan cheesecake with cacao and goji berry topping.
The must-read tome rep- resents the culmination of a long collaboration between Hans Unitarian Universalist Andersen and The Brothers, Sisters, and Gender-Binary Rejecting Siblings Grimm.
From ‘Beauty and the Sentient Being’ to ‘The Melting Snowcap Queen,’ the authors craft adventure after cruelty- free adventure! Fairtrade Tails offers a magical land flow- ing not with milk and honey but with soya and agave. A realm where Prince Charm- ing falls for Cinderella only once he notes her slippers are of glass not leather. And the princess doesn’t toss and turn atop the pea. She proves her- self a true princess by scooping the pea out from underneath the mattress and eating it– af- ter making sure it’s organic.
The collection isn’t how- ever a literary veggie burger– a quick substitute in a still meat- centric culture. It revolution- arily trades in conventional narrative for a radical lack of conflict or plot. Thrilling stuff!
Rather than eat the witch’s candy house, Hansel and Gretel forgo the butter and egg based treats, reasoning they would taste more of capitalism than cardamom. Instead, the pair forage for mushrooms and establish a biodynamic farm.
The Little Mermaid rec- ognizes her essentiality to the ocean ecosystem and skips the whole falling in love and turning human bit in favour of free- ing factory-farmed salmon. When Little Green Riding Hood, basket of wheatgrass shots and Omega-3 supplements in hand, arrives at Grandmother’s cottage, she recognizes the wolf immedi- ately and voluntarily lowers herself into the mouth of na- ture: her True Grandmother.
I’ve proudly ordered my manny to read Fairtrade Tails aloud to my adopted Somalian orphans each night at bedtime. And they seem to like them even better than putting up dramatic interpretations of Si- lent Spring! I recommend this book unequivocally, printed on recycled letters to Santa, as the perfect gift to place under any freshly planted, nondenomina- tional tree this holiday season.
Fairtrade Tails will be available in all good vegan bookstores from next week. (RRP £39.99, 10% of all profits go towards the ‘Nutroast for Africa’ campaign)