In a desperate bid to raise government revenues, the coalition is tabling emergency legislation to increase the Barclays Pre- mier League to 23 teams. Labour, the Conservatives and the Liberal Democrats will each field a squad of 18 MPs every week to face the likes of Manchester Unit- ed, Chelsea and Arsenal.
The bill is being spear- headed by Danny Alexander, Chief Secretary to the Treasury, who has been seen arriving at the House of Commons in a bright yellow Liberal Democrat tracksuit. Alexander has also sought to replace the morning prayer in the House of Lords with fun fitmess enhancing warm-ups such as jumping jacks, dodgeball, and ‘Prescott in the Middle’.
Asked about the pos- sible negative impact the standard of play in the on Premier League, Alexander angrily retorted: ‘There’s no shortage of talent here, and our managerial dis- cipline is superb. With coaches such as the pugna- cious Labour big knob Lord Sugar, I can assure you any slackers will be getting the fat finger at the end of 90 minutes. It’s a punt I grant you, but you can expect us to be challenging for titles at the end of the season.’
The games are not expected to be easy points for Premier League incumbents however, with many fringe players at big clubs this week joining political par- ties in the hope of receiving game time. Shunned Man- chester City forward Roque Santa Cruz was installed as Conservative Junior Minis- ter at the FCO on Thursday, in a political transfer story that has had commentators from all sides crying ‘foul’.
Asked for his thoughts on Britain’s exit strategy from Afghanistan, San- ta Cruz responded: ‘It is very much a game of two halves,’ before adding, ‘By that I mean that the com- bat phase is reaching its conclusion. Only now can the difficult task of getting the Taliban leadership and President Karzai to the negotiating table to begin.’
Backbench MPs are relishing the opportunity to spend time with their Cabi- net counterparts. Labour MP Charles Clarke this week attempted to improve his selection prospects by som- ersaulting up and down the Commons car park, finishing with a vault over the Prime Minister’s private limousine.
Unfortunately, the stunt ended badly, with Clarke slipping off the bon- net of the recently waxed car, falling into the out- stretched arms of Baron- ess Thatcher. Clarke ruled himself out of the opening match against Wigan Ath- letic this morning due to a ‘bruised ego’, ‘swollen face’ and ‘knee-crushed genitalia’.
Culture Secretary Jer- emy Hunt expressed his support for the plan in an interview with The Cheese Grater, saying: ‘This only be good for British politics. We looked at the number of young- sters who aspire to be footballers, | and at the number who want to be cabinet secretaries. I'm astonished putting two and two together has taken so long!”